It's Just Abbey

Yes, I've been gone. I know. Do I care to explain myself? Not really. I'll just say that things beyond my control happened and I moved into Stressville full time. It has calmed down a bit but now I am working crazy hours and I can't promise much in the way of posts.

Frankly it's not a time issue. I can always make time to write but lately all my posts would be the same. At first they would have all gravitated towards, “Occupying Wallstreet Makes Sense Now” then evolved into, “WEDDINGS AND THINGS!”

Oh yeah, over the hiatus I got engaged. SQUEE. I'm super excited and in party planning mode. In fact this weekend I am viewing a reception hall accompanied by brunch. It's not quite breakfast and it's not quite lunch but you get a slice of cantaloupe at the end.

I'm not going to elaborate on it too much because I refuse to allow this blog to become a wedding blog. Granted there will be some and based on my first round of research and planning they will all fall under the tag #theweddingindustryisafactoryofdreamcrushing. Seriously, if you want a generic wedding and want to blow $10k on just your dress, you are all set! You want something offbeat and niche? Yeah, not in this area pal! But I'm not going to get into that now.

So I tried to think of a fun topic to talk about to get myself back into the blogging game and was coming up short. Nothing of real interest. So I decided on telling you all a Classic Abbey Story. The story of how I got my ears pierced.

So in 1998 I marched into Claire's and... HAHAHA. Joking. But before I go into the real story, if you are over 18 and get your ears pierced at Claire's, please email me your address so I can come to your house and smack you. Piercing guns = no. No wait, piercing guns + undertrained teenagers = NO.

Anyway, the story of how I pierced my ears has made many people openly cringe and get very upset. Why? Because I pierced my own ears in a dorm room when I was 19.

When I tell people I did the deed myself they make horrified faces and ask me why in the hell I would subject myself to that. Sometimes I lie to people and tell them it was because I was 19 and punk as fuck. I pierce my own ears and I gave myself a tattoo in my parents bathroom once on a Wednesday afternoon. (That's true, but I'll get to that in a second.) But alas, the true answer to why I willingly put holes in my head all by myself was because I was bored.

The backstory is that at the time I was commuting to college. I went to school all day, worked in the evenings and drove home to sleep in my own bed under my parents roof. On day I finally arranged a night out with my BFF at the time and was going to spend the night in her dorm. I was jazzed beyond reason. We were going to go out, tear up the town and stay up way late on a college campus because we could. WRONG.

My BFF was suffering from crippling home sickness. We were 30 minutes from our homes and as a commuter who saw her parents every damn day, I didn't understand. I got to her dorm and started spewing out ideas. Clubs I had heard about that let in 18+, a theater in town, and anything I could think of. No... she couldn't go out. What if her parents called her looking for her in her dorm? Yes, we had cell phones but she didn't want her parents to worry about her or think she was out doing lines off a toilet seat in Downtown College Town. My first night of true freedom and I was being shackled by someone else's parents. UNCOOL.

I'm not sure how I arrived at the decision but I knew a few things. 1) watching that damn Minnie Driver movie she loved so much AGAIN was going to kill me 2) She was okay with driving to Meijer and 3) I wanted to finally pierce my ears in a wild act of adult hood. I had a “not til you're 16” dad and just never got around to it.

And hour and a half later I was sitting on her dorm floor with a thin sewing needle, a thicker sewing needle, her old starter earrings (the kind with points), a lighter, a bag of ice, rubbing alcohol, a marker and a potato cut in half. Here is a break down of the Dumb as Hell Piercing Adventure steps:

1) clean lobes with rubbing alcohol
2) mark first ear front and back and assure they are even
3) use lighter to “sterilize” the needles and studs
4) put ice on ears until numb
5) place potato behind ear as a firm place holder
6) jam small sewing needle through lobe from front to back
7) clean up blood and wipe away tears of pain
8) use the larger sewing needle to follow to first one out, thus replacing the needles and enlarging the hole
9) clean up more blood
10) debate drinking rubbing alcohol
11) follow the large needle out of the ear with the point of the studs thereby placing earrings firmly in head.
12) Pray to God the earring is in even
13) clean up remaining blood
14) rinse, repeat.

First of all, yes, I do realize that an uncleaned piercing gun wielded by a drunk toddler would have been safer than what I did. Do I care? No. I just make damn sure I never let my lobes close up because that is one hell of a victory. Mostly because I managed to keep them uninfected and they are surprisingly even. Somewhere there is a picture of me with a paper towel covered in blood pressed between my ear and shoulder with a needle halfway through the other ear.

Fun side story: when I got out of high school I cut my hair for the first time. I had always had long, long hair and I whacked off well over a foot of hair. When I showed up to see my mom she didn't notice. I had to tell her. When I had my ears pierced, even with my hair down she noticed INSTANTLY. I still can't make sense of that.

About a year later I was bored at my parents house and found one of those studs I had used. I got it into my head that it hadn't been that bad of an experience and I should pierce my cartilage myself. I put a little blue dot on my ear where I wanted it and fished out some rubbing alcohol, a lighter and a sewing needle. As I sat there jamming the needle into my ear I realized something. Turns out cartilage is very thick. Who knew? I couldn't go through with it. I got about halfway in and I was almost blinded by pain. I took the needle out, dabbed my ear with the alcohol and put everything away. Mission failed.

Two weeks later someone pointed at my ear and asked why there was a blue dot there. I looked, was confused, tried to clean it off and suddenly knew I had given myself a tiny tattoo. Ala Phoebe.

Now, I got her tattoo someone tell me how to make her wedding happen for me! No, Abbey. Bad Abbey. No wedding talk. Oh! Say Yes to the Dress is on!

My blog blackout ends tomorrow. Meanwhile, call/write your state representative and speak out against PIPA/SOPA.

How do I find state representative, Abbey? Here I Googled it for you. Click HERE and get something done.

This post contains spoilers. Fair warning.

Yes. I went to see Breaking Dawn today. Wait! Don't leave!

You don't understand, gentle readers. I HAD to see this movie. I waited to see a Tuesday matinee hoping to avoid the Twihards. Mission failed.

I also went alone which in retrospect probably looked a little depressing. “One for Breaking Dawn please. Oh, how long is this movie? I can't be away from my cat for more than 3 hours.” I'm not cruel enough to subject Hoppie to that kind of torture.

Back story time! Cards on the table, I actually liked the first three books in the series. Now, I didn't LOVE them but I enjoyed them. Frankly they were nothing more than glorified romance novels. With sparkling vampires and SHAPESHIFTERS. Yes. I said it. Not werewolves and anyone who argues with me will be and shall forever be... Wrong.

I kind of tore through the first three books quickly. I wasn't going through the best time in life and they were an interesting escape. Hey look, that chick has WAY more problems than I do. I'm gonna judge her for it and feel better about myself! Hooray!

Phedre and I went out to the midnight release of the book Breaking Dawn. That was the night this photo was taken.

That was also the night I put a copy of the book Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk in the Young Adult section. Why? I'm not supposed to talk about Project Mayhem.

We got our copies and headed home. We both agreed to text when we were finished and then we would discuss it.

The phone call was weird.

We both kind of mentioned some parts and just hemmed and hawed for a while. Then Phedre said, “Is it just me or did the book kind of suck?” Or something to that affect. My reply was something like, “YES!” and then we talked for another hour about the pitfalls of the book.

First, this book (well, the whole series) made me hate the word glower. For a book about love, there is a lot of glowering going on. Second, the whole book was like a fanfiction gone wrong. It was too long, too weird and didn't go far enough to the dark side it needed to go to. The one redeeming quality is the birthing scene. Her bones are literally snapping, blood everywhere, they rip her stomach open with a scalpel and Edward chews, CHEWS the child free from the womb. It was glorious. Of course you have to know what you are reading to understand it since Stephanie Meyer is the queen of beating around the bush. Also, the ending is a total buzz kill and not even worth my time to break down.

Anyway, I have seen all the movies and it was just natural to seen the train wreck that would be (and was) Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

There were only four things that they needed expressed in this film. Wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy and wolf drama. Not enough to fill 2 hours but damn they tried. So much of it was just shots of Bella looking like she was going to throw up. For the last half of the movie, that's all she did. All I could think about during the movie was just, “Bella just wants to get laid.” Seriously. That's all she wants.

Until she is pregnant all they talk about and show is sex, sex, sex. But they never use the word sex. They never say sex, making love, boogieing, and certainly not fuck. They just keep hinting at the word like saying it will summon Death Eaters to their door and drag them away.

Another word they don't say but constantly discuss for a good portion of the movie: abortion. There is all kinds of talk about “getting rid of the fetus” and “taking care of it” but no one says it.

“I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.”

There is one laughably terrible scene that is clearly meant to be OH SO POWERFUL. The wolf pack find out about the Demon Fetus and they rally in a lumber yard as wolves. They. Are. Pissed. This is when Jacob says fuck-all and bails. But what makes this scene horrible is that there is visually a lot happening paired with the worst audio and acting ever. Had there been no dialogue it would have been a great scene. They did a great job with the wolves. But damn, the acting is just the worst. All the actors were obviously trying to preform into a microphone but voice acting is a tricky fish to wrangle and not a one managed it right. It was like watching a bad Youtube parody of that scene.

One of my favorite scenes was dropped from the movie though. The moment that Edward tells Jacob that if Bella wants a baby she could gladly have puppies. Meaning, “Hey Jacob, will you be a sperm bank so my wife can have a baby? You know, after the shmashmortion?” It is just a left field moment that I enjoyed thoroughly in the book.

But I will say that I was pleased with the portrayal of the birth scene. It was intense and perfect. It also keeps in line with the book. No one mentions that Edward is eating through her uterus to free the baby but you see it... kinda. Once it got all quiet in the theater I heard a woman say a little louder than she intended, “Was that in the book?!”

Whelp... That's all I've got. It was just as awful as I thought it would be and more. Based solely on an entertainment level I was pleased. It's the kind of movie I would think about buying/renting just to MST3K the hell out of it.

Best part of the trip was seeing the Hunger Games trailer on the big screen. I have watched it countless times on my laptop but it was just fantastic in the theater. I will be there for the midnight showing of that movie, oh yes. Oh yes.

Other than that, I've just been playing Skyward Sword. Having a blast and tearing through levels like a mad woman. I'll probably review the game once I finish it so look forward to that!

I hope everyone has a safe and awesome holiday!

This weekend The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is finally being release. Allow me to explain my feelings in a very educated and poignant statement.

HOLY CRAP! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! SQUUEEEEEEEEEE!

If I were to ever list out my obsessions in ranking order I would probably have a stroke trying to decide between Star Wars and Zelda as Number One. Star Wars would be the hands down winner if Episodes 4-6 weren't forever tainted by the overwhelming disappointment of Episodes 1-3. There was a very wonderful time before Phantom Menace came out that I truly believed my life would forever be enriched by the prequels. It's like if you showed up to see Part 2 of Deathly Hallows and found out that it had been done entirely in Claymation and was only 30 minutes long.

Rereading that last paragraph and Tuesday's post I feel like I should text Hoppie and thank him for letting me continue to be seen in public with him.

Okay, I got off track. What was I saying? Zelda, yes.

I have always been a fan of the series. A Link to the Past is still one of my favorite games to play over and over and Ocarina of Time, I can safely say, changed my life. I mean really, it was one of those games that just altered how we looked at gaming and adventures.

Playing Ocarina of Time for the first time is honestly just a haze of excitement and frustration. All I remember is making myself walk away to get food and sleep periodically. I do however know that somewhere in that game I made plans to have a Zelda themed wedding. An idea many friends know about and has elicited at least one proposal from a stranger in Game Stop.

Leading up to that game I spent my days reading Nintendo Power articles about how great the game was going to turn out. It was the cause of my first nerdy rage fit because they just kept pushing the release date back. I would get a new magazine, check the date, groan and spend my evening angrily eating dinner.

I did draft up several envelopes to send in. Back in the day Nintendo Power would publish envelope art in the reader's section. To drain some of my frustration about the game being pushed back AGAIN, I had this idea for a picture of Link on his horse stuck in a traffic jam on the highway with the caption, “The Real Reason for Changing Release Dates”. I never sent in my finished product because I was positive that the mailman would laugh at me and it would never actually get sent. I do not miss being a preteen and being worried about what EVERYONE thought.

That was the best part too. It was the golden year of 1998 and it came out a few days before my birthday. I didn't even need to save money to buy it! My little brother handed me the wrapped box and I immediately knew the boxes N64 games came in. I squealed, “Is it Zelda?!” before opening it. My brother was furious with me. He assumed someone told me he was the one that got it for me and ruined the surprise. I had just turned 13. Please, I didn't need told anything. I was a teenager. I was a genius.

And here we are. It is 2011 and I am geared up to get this new game. Why did I tell you all this backstory? Because IGN released a review claiming that Skyward Sword is a better game than Ocarina of Time.

*record scratch*

First of all I am thrilled beyond reason. Finally a game to reach the mighty bar that Ocarina has set for the franchise. From what I've read and seen they have taken all the great things about Zelda games and smashed them beautifully into a new game. I want to relive the fun and thrill of a game like Ocarina. Replaying it is fun but is never the same. It's like what happened when I watched Deathly Hallows Part 2. Watching it unfold and be brought to life was something that can never be recaptured. If I could unwatch then rewatch that movie I would do it in an instant. I think that Skyward Sword may be the kind of game that impacts my mind that much. You bros can keep your Call of Duty regurgitation, I'll take my Link and Zelda thanks.

Second the IGN review makes me nervous. Don't tell me stuff like that! It gives me pause and I will now have to cram Nostalgic Abbey into a hole to keep, “Yeah it's good but not THAT good!” from coming into my thoughts constantly. They gave me real reason to compare the two when I wouldn't have in the first place. I know it isn't a perfect example but it's like if someone told you that the new Nickelback CD was better that the Beatles Sargent Pepper album.

Hahaha, Nickelback....

I have my copy preordered. Yes, I am getting the special golden controller that comes with preorders. I called the Game Stop I usually go to to ask if they were doing midnight showings and we bonded momentarily over our shared disappointment that there wouldn't be. But I will be there bright and early Sunday morning to fetch my copy. I have the week off work and I will set an alarm to tell me when Thanksgiving is so I don't miss dinner.

Sometimes I think of blog ideas when I run. This is clearly one of those posts.

When I go to the gym I always feel like a jack ass towards the end of my workout. Why? Because I look like I am dying.

Let me paint you a picture.

I don't wear make up to the gym. I wear loose fitting tshirts and my hair is just in a messy bun. I don't go to the gym to pick up dudes because I don't have to. (And after reading this you'll understand why this is a HUGE relief.)

There are the guys who strut around shirtless, ripping abs and just pouring sweat. Yeah pal, I get that you have 300 muscle in your back, do you need to show off and sparkle under florescent lights like Edward Cullen in a meadow? Oh you do? Then carry on sir.

And there are the girls who park themselves on an elliptical machine and work and work and work. They are in tiny shorts, sports bras and perfect makeup. AND THEY AREN'T SWEATING. They are literally working their asses off and not even a bead of sweat. Shenanigans I say, shenanigans! No one works that hard and shows no signs of visible distress. How do you that? Are you wizards?!

Then there is me. I just ran a few miles on the treadmill. Then I did some crunches and lifted weights (it's Arms and Back Day dontchyaknow!) I am standing there looking like a hot mess. I look like a drunk chick at 2:30am who had too many shots.... but I'm sober.

I'm sweating profusely from my face. So much so the first three inches of my hair is super wet. My face is also bright red. Firetruck red. No make up and a messy hair situation that gets steadily worse. Baggy clothes. I'm out of breath and just stand around stretching looking about a light breeze away from falling over.

HEY EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW GOOD I LOOK!

I have mentioned to others about how horrific Workout Abbey looks to others and I always get the same questions.

Are you running too fast? Answer: No one would ever qualify my fastest pace as Too Fast.

Are you pushing yourself too hard? Answer: No. I am pushing myself but I have to go to my job later. I can't kill myself at the gym.

Have you tried to put deodorant on your face? Answer: No one ever asked me that, but I've wondered. But I think some guy did that once and it killed him. I might also be thinking of the guy who covered himself in paint. MOVING ON.

Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea. It's already weird enough wandering around the gym like I am an inch from death. Why not just tell you all about it with the brilliance of my word magic?

Looking back I can see why I never really got the boys lining up when I was into sports in school. They were too busy hanging out with the girls who don't sweat like dudes. You just played the most intense basketball game of your life? You look fabulous! But luckily I found a home. No one questioned a tiny girl in fourteen layers of clothing under a wildly flattering band uniform sweating and looking disheveled. Anyone who looked decent after halftime in a mid winter football game was clearly from outer space.

Thus brings me to the main point of today's post: I sweat and it is clearly ruining my life. Curse you, sweat glands!! CURSE YOU!

I listened to my Nsync Christmas album today and I'm not apologizing to anyone! My mother has the Christmas gene and I came into the world with a predisposition to get steadily more excited throughout the year for the Epic Holiday.

I know I'm weird so I won't get all upset for people being Scrooges about early celebrators. I understand, guys. I've had Winter Wonderland stuck in my head for 7 months and the eye rolls are obvious.

I have one tiny bone to pick though... this.

So many questions. Where to start?

I think my biggest question is why is this turkey so jazzed for his murder. Yes, MURDER. There are all the signs of cows with signs saying, “Eat more chicken” as a joke but this turkey is counting down the days ready to die.

I know a lot of our holidays are mash up of pagan holidays but isn't Thanksgiving just a straight up holiday? Not really religious in anyway. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the turkey we all eat just a traditional meal idea. I wasn't aware of any ritualistic bird slaughters... Although my family is admittedly a bit conservative.

But on that note, why is this turkey yelling at Santa? That jolly old man isn't the reason major shopping centers are already playing Christmas music. He is just an innocent man trying to do his job. He doesn't need any lip from some Death Row poultry. Maybe that's why the turkey is yelling. “I'm about to die! Time to do something crazy! Imma scream at Santa!”

Or maybe that turkey is still, STILL waiting on that Stretch Armstrong toy he asked for... (No wait, that's me. Sorry!)

So this picture is just a poor, innocent old man being scolded by a doomed bird. This strange picture went viral on Facebook. All I can say is that you are all a bunch of sick bastards! Get some Christmas spirit you freaks!

Happy holidays!
(...is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas.)
(Boom. 30 Rock'd)

I've been trying to write up something for a few weeks but every time I do it sounds like this:

RAAAAAWR! PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES AND LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE!

I'm going to attempt this one more time. Whatever comes out, I'm posting. Buckle up, this isn't going to be pretty.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading fmylife.com. This is a guilty pleasure because I hate... HATE the FML trend, tag, what have you. I hate it because people attach it to the lamest things.

“Today, I went to the dentist. #FML”

No. Absolutely not. You had to get your teeth checked to keep them in your head? You're right, guy. That's the freaking worst. Some just fell down the stairs and lost the ability to use his legs but THE DENTIST? Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it? The above example could be fixed like this:

“Today, I went to the dentist and they mixed up everyone's paperwork. When I woke up from what should have been a simple wisdom teeth removal, I found they had removed all my teeth. #FML”

Although, this guy is gonna get a fortune in law suits and also you can get perfect fake teeth made of steel for free!

That bugs the hell out of me. It is in the Top 5 Abbey Internet Pet Peeves. It bugs me because that is the mind set that I absolutely loathe in human beings. People who just whine and cry about everything in the their lives. I refuse to listen to that crap. Oh, you had to drive to the gas station? Why is that so upsetting? Did you come home to find your dog dead? No? You just needed a few gallons of gas for your upcoming road trip. Yeah.... UGH! Life bloooows.

The worst part of people like this is that they bring everyone down around them. Look, jerks. If you take me out of a great mood with your mindless blathering, I should legally be allowed to punch you in the throat.

“Today, I got punched in the throat. #FML”

I only bring this up now because I live in Ohio. In Ohio, once summer gives way to fall the people celebrate. We get out our cute jackets and scarves. We frolic in the leaves. But then the first gray Ohio fall day breaks, the mood gets bitter. “Whelp, that's Ohio! Shitty ass weather.” No. It's Fall and Winter. That's how seasons work. It is like it's everyone's first time in Ohio after moving from New Mexico. FOURTY DEGREES IN OCTOBER. WHAT THE WHAT?

I'm probably an optimist (although my constant worry about being murdered all the time might disagree) but I like to enjoy life. Is my life perfect right now? Hell no. Am I having a good time and like my surroundings? Yes. I would gladly change things, but I am honestly happy right now. If I could be a famous author/rock star/Project Runway winner/billionaire, I would in an instant. But I'm not going to spend my rise to the top bitching about where I am and the things I have to do. Sometimes we all go to the dentist. Sometimes life hands you a few bad things. But everyday isn't the worst day ever.

The podcast I've been geeking out to lately (and I think mentioned in the last four posts...) it the Nerdist Podcast with Chris Hardwick. At the end they always say, “Enjoy your burrito.” It spawned from a discussion about how co-host Jonah would go get his favorite burrito when his life was crap. He would eat it to give himself a bright spot in life. Then halfway through the burrito he would get all bummed out because the moment was almost gone. One day, he decided to just enjoy the burrito. No mid point of sadness, just constant YAY BURRITO!

Besides the Doctor Who phrase, “Come on... be extraordinary” I am adding “Enjoy your burrito” to my mantras.

Hey Abbey! When did you turn into a freaking hippie!?

Shut up and enjoy your damned burrito!

Okay. So I gave up my whole rebelling for NaNoWriMo thing.

I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.

I have no idea why I suddenly decided to finally write the Nsync zombie apocalypse story but I have.

Abbey, did you just say Nsync zombie apocalypse story?

Yes and you shut your face! This is a good idea and not lame at all! It is super cool and everyone will finally like me! Popularity Ville, here I come!!

So let me quickly break down my plans this year.

Step one: Write things.
Step two: PANIC
Step three: Keep writing things.

Abbey, did you just avoid a completely obvious underpants gnomes joke?

Yes I did. Hey internet, SOMETIMES THERE IS A STEP TWO!

Abbey, ...are you okay?

No! It's NaNoWriMo! It is only 3 days in and I am still filled with hope and rainbows! I am fueled by excitement and leftover Halloween candy.

Did I mention the other day that Hoppie bought me a fez? It is absolutely too big but that doesn't stop me from wearing it constantly. I call it my Thinkin' Fez!

In a more focused direction, I am doing something different this year. I am writing on Open Office instead of Microsoft Word. I have been using Open Office to write blogs for months now and I prefer it over Word. It still tells me when I spell things wrong but it doesn't have the judgmental green squiggly lines when I words together wrong put. (As you probably noticed)

Seeing as how I am only speaking in quick, staccato sentences I will spare you the torture of reading too much more. I am going to finish watching my nerd hero Chris Hardwick on Jimmy Fallon and then get up and do dishes. If past NaNos have proved anything, it's that chores stop getting done. I need to stay ahead of it all this year if I am going to be writing, reading and crocheting all month. THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!

Abbey, Einstein had the same 24 hours and look what he accomplished.

I will kill you with my brain.

Quick update post because I am knee deep in awesome things.

-NaNoWriMo has officially begun. I am going rogue this year. Instead of writing a new story I am rewriting last year's novel. It needs reworked and I am punishing myself for neglect by forcing myself to rewrite and edit this month. It will still be a blast and I am really excited to get back with my local writers and hammer out some words over bagels and sammiches.

-My current project is commissioning a scarf for someone. I have never made something for a non-acquaintance or for money. This is an exciting new venture for me and I hope to continue the trend. Maybe I'll go into business making Doctor Who scarves and Jayne hats!

-I finally finished A Dance With Dragons. I have so many questions and I need someone to talk to IMMEDIATELY. If you've read the series, email me. I wish to discuss. Why George R R Martin? WHY?!

-Next up on my reading list is The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick. It is all about honing nerdiness into productivity. A bible I am eagerly awaiting. It should be on my doorstep before I leave for work tomorrow. If this book helps me figure out my project induced ADD I am going to be thrilled and demand money back from several "doctors".

-This weekend Hoppie and I went trick or treating with my sisters then hit a few parties. His costume was Capitalist Pig. He was in a suit and had pig ears, nose and tail. Also a breifcase stuffed with fake money. I went as Quialman. Complete with belt on head, undies on the outside and a dashing red cape. While Trick or Treating I was looked at like a crazy person. Maybe it was the belt or the tighty whities. Maybe it was my running around yelling, “WHOOOOSH!” Or more likely, it was because I was the only person over the age of 17 dressed up. I regret nothing. Hoppie on the other hand brought delight to the children. They saw his piggy nose and ears and giggled in glee. There were pictures taken and merriment all around. I hate him sometimes. Luckily we went to a party full of drunk, nostalgic 20-somethings which meant “Holy shit! Are you Quialman!?” followed by high fives and nods of approval. Validation.

-Uh, go Chiefs! Monday Night Football victory? I didn't know that was possible! YAY!

I will be frantically working on my commission scarf, my novel, reading and running. I will not neglect my blog, I promise! I will even have a post up on Thanksgiving Thursday. November means productivity! Good luck to all my fellow WriMos out there! It is going to be a great year!

#winteriscoming

Halloween post time! I know it's early but between now and Tuesday the holiday will have come and gone. So welcome to SPOOKY POST! Here. Reach into this bowl of eyeballs!

So for today's post I will be breaking down my Zombie Survival Plan.

In this scenario we will assume the following: The zombie attacks have become severe but it isn't quite apocalypse-y yet. It's just on the verge of, “Whelp, no more humans.” This is the part where everyone realizes that the government dropped the ball and the Speaker of the House is telling everyone we are officially on our own while being ripped apart by zombies on screen.

After I turn of the TV I'll go clean out Tetra's litter box and replace the litter. She'll be on her own for a while, gotta keep her in a bit of comfort. While in the basement I will also grab my boots out of storage and my baseball bat. Yes, mom. The bat you gave me to bludgeon people trying to steal my TV is in the basement. Sorry.

I'll also just dump all Tetra's cat food out in the corner for her. Hopefully once I lock the house up no zombies will try to break in and eat my cat. Although, I can barely catch her sometimes so I'm sure she can outfox a confused living dead.

I'll grab my army surplus backpack and load it with the following:

-Swiss Army Knife
-any and all canned food
-Advil Cold and Sinus (because sometimes a lady gets a migraine)
-A change of clothes
-several pairs of socks
-my laptop
-a box cutter
-packing tape
-band-aids (exposed wounds = certain living death)
-TP
-a few bottles of water

Hoppie will be busy packing the Jeep full of our camping things. Tent, small grill, fire starters, cooler full of beer, etc. Also his chain saw and all my gardening equipment. DEATH HOE! (Super Hero of the year!)

This should all really take about 5 minutes but if past experience of me in panic mode and our inability to stick to a schedule it could take up to an hour.

House locked up and kitty hugs deployed, we would leave ASAP. We live in a bit of a congested area. Leaving might be an issue but once we get passed the gas station and grocery store (that are being looted savagely) the Jeep is all about the off roading.

We are headed to my parents house. They are out in the middle of nowhere, they have a crazy surplus of food and guns. Lots of guns.

Once there we would keep all the camping stuff in the Jeep. Gotta make sure my parents haven't been infected or the house has been raided. Bat in hand, I'll enter the house.

In all likelihood I'll be walking into a command station already. If I know my Eddard Stark-esque mother who is constantly warning about winter preparations and my soldier-like father they will already have the house ready to fend off attack. If I'm going to be completely honest, they probably just got finished protecting my sisters from their neighbors. Zombies or not.

There we will make sure everyone has a short range and a long range weapon. Plenty of guns but they will be kept as a last resort. Bullets run out. I also have an idea for a weapon built on the two most well stocked things in my parents home: my brother's old hockey sticks and chef knives. Tape the knife to the hockey stick blade and BOOM, crazy melee weapon.

In that house, without attack we could probably last about a month solid. They have a pond out back that we could drown zombies in and a big ass truck for running mobs down.

Now, I know we can't hold out there forever and I also think that hiding behind walls is boring. I'd say we could stay about a week working on plans and strategies. It would also be a decent amount of time to let the herd thin out. Nothing is worse than going on a zombie killing spree with a bunch of dumb asses running around.

I can't predict what my parents will want to do with my sisters in tow but I know what Hoppie and I would do. We would load the Jeep with food, a gun or two and my backpack of awesomeness. Also, my bat.

This is the part where Hoppie and I go on a crusade. It will have to be a short one since the Jeep is a gas guzzler. But we will go out and damnit if we won't go out like bad asses.

Aim for the head. If all else fails take out the legs and then the head.

I'll have the advantage of being a relatively attractive female. If horror movies have taught me anything, it's that I'll be safe for at least the first 80% of the movie. That's about 3 weeks in Zombie Attack Time.

Hoppie and I will have a pact of stellar honesty. One of us gets bit, we tell the other. The rest of the pact is a coin flip after the first part happens. Heads, the bitten commits seppuku. Tails, the uninfected has to kill the infected one. Both unpleasant.

My stupid decisions would be limited to finding food for and feeding my cat. I'm not traveling cross country to some mythical Safe-Zone. I'll be cruising my own town, something I am familiar with. If I can find cat food, I'll take it. I'm not above looting for my cat. Plus having non-zombie related goals keeps you alive. Until it doesn't. Whatever.

It's always been my assumption that no one survives the zombie apocalypse. Eventually all the morons with hockey stick knife weapons will die out. Then the poor zombies will die of starvation. No brains, no zombies.

So that's my plan. Is it a good one? Not the best but I hate people. In order to survive in a vehicle there would need to be some looting and whatnot involved. I barely survive Black Friday. I can bash the brains out of a zombie but with humans? Still awkward.

Everyone be safe out there. Get candy and kill zombies. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!