It's Just Abbey

I am flawed guys.

I will wait for you to finish gasping, fainting and losing faith in all that is real.

It’s true, guys. I have a flaw. Let me explain a few things first before I spill my shame all over the internet.

I once saw a commercial about children who struggle to read where a little girl kept saying “IS-LAND! IS-LAND!” I was so concerned about being that poor bastard in the back of class trying to sound out a word as simple as island. That was when I started diving into books and dictionaries trying to learn every word ever. I never wanted to stumble on words and I wanted to be the best reader ever.

Mission accomplished. Kinda. There aren’t too many words I can’t recognize. I know what they mean and I know how to spell them. I can read books without stopping and saying, “WTF does that word mean?! Damnit Stephanie Meyers and your giant words like glower!”

But see, here is the problem. See this?

hī-pûr'bə-lē

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SAYS! I never even tried or used the key to figure it out. Who needs a book to tell me how to pronounce things? Not me that's who! So I just learned words by sounding them the fuck out. God, this sounds like I am a moron but I am telling you this because it is true. I say really weird and hilarious things from time to time and I don’t realize it until everyone is making fun of me.

Saturday night I went on a date night with Hoppie. I threw on my knee high black boots, my Abbey Dawn pink dress (thank you Avril, for so many things!) and had my hair looking fabulous. We went to dinner, then to see How to Train Your Dragon and then out to the local club. We were perched at the bar drinking beer and chatting. I was feeling great and started to tell an amazing story. Then it all went horribly wrong.

Hoppie: What did you say?
Me: Hyperbole.
Hoppie: …Abbey, spell that.
Me: H-Y-P-E-R-B-O-L-E
Hoppie: Say it again.
Me: What the hell? Hyperbole! Hyperbole!

Looks like Hoppie is the weirdo here, right? Wrong. I was actually saying “HYPER-BOWL.” Hyperbowl. Let that sink in. Read it again. Apparently that is wrong. Not kinda wrong, but super wrong. Two more awesome examples:

Dad: Abbey, where are you?
Me: At the park near the pavilion. (Pronounced: Pav-a-lion. Jesus.)
~
Me: I’m telling you Hoppie that Zachary Quinto’s eyebrows are the epitome of sexy brows. (Pronounced: Ep-i-tome.)

It really does depress me. I mean, I am a writer for Pete’s sake. I should know how to say words out loud. Hoppie has joked he wonders what goes on in my head and how English sounds to me when I read it. Oh! Another great, classic dialogue:

Me: Why can’t things just be spelled like they sound. It would make everything SO much easier.
Dad: Spell Phonetics.
Me: F-E-N…
Dad: Stop. We’re done here.

I’ve always had a rule that you should never tell people you are smart because they should be able to figure that out without you telling them. But I don’t have that rule about telling people you aren’t a freaking idiot. I’m not an idiot. I swear I'm not. I just CAN’T READ! Ug.

But I can’t be the only one with this issue. Think about the first time you read Harry Potter. How did you read Hermione? Probably not the right way and if you say otherwise you are a liar! Unless you already knew that name existed before those books in which case, whoop dee doo for you.

I have become what I feared! IS-LAND! IS-LAND! My worst nightmare. I am so glad I am not in elementary school anymore. “Abbey, can you read the next three paragraphs? Abbey, why are you hiding under the table?” I think it is where my bizarre form of stage fright comes from. I can go out and make a fool of myself on stage, I will talk to almost anyone and public speaking is fine. When I was in high school and trying out for plays I was always worried I was going to read the word wrong and they would all laugh at me. They would point and ridicule me. They would chuckle and break my Skip It! Kids are terrible.

So that’s it people. I have a soft spot for sounding out words to the amusement of all. But don’t you dare laugh at me. Laughing at me for a mispronounced word is like voting me prom queen then dumping pig blood on me. I’ll kill you with my mind. You shall all suffer.