It's Just Abbey

I met Christopher Moore last week.

If you don’t know who Christopher Moore is get in your car, go to the bookstore and buy the book You Suck or Dirty Job. Read it. I’ll wait.

…

You back? Okay, so guys, I met Christopher Moore. HOW EXCITED ARE YOU?! I know right?! Let me tell you about the insane adventure because it was Classic Abbey.

So he was going to be in Columbus and that is about 2 hours away. I left around 4:30 to be there by 7:30. Perfect. Wrong. I forgot about rush hour. Jesus. How do people in the cities stand it? I want to move to Chicago like whoa but I cannot, repeat, cannot STAND rush hour traffic. If rush hour traffic was a person I would write bad things on bathroom walls about it and then succumb to the madness eventually killing it in the snow and watching the blood steam in the frigid cold.

I got there at about 7:15. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized that I forgot to hit the bank. I needed $20 to get in. FUCK! I threw my car in gear and sped down the street looking for an ATM. I was swearing and cussing the whole way. I used the GPS on my phone trying to find something but I was lost lost lost. I ended up in the worst part of the city and at a very questionable gas station. I was on the phone with Hoppie having a meltdown because I was terrified I wouldn’t make it to see Mr. Moore. I got my money and sprinted to my car. I used my phone to find the place again and then my phone died.

Let me take a moment to explain how terrible it is when my phone dies. I can’t text, call, tweet and I was pretty sure I had no idea how to get home. Shit shit shit.

I got into the building and things got worse. I was being put on the wait list. The show was sold out. They said I could wait and maybe some seats were open but there were about 20 people ahead of me. There was no hope left. They said I could wait the hour and half to get a signature. I was about to cry. I sat in the corner with my book and sulked.

A woman came out and started promising people that they would get free tickets to something else later. Nothing that mattered. I continued to sulk. The woman came over to me and asked me if I wanted free tickets to whatever-the-hell.

This was my moment! I pulled out my best pout and held my book close to me. “No ma’am. I live two hours away. I am just going to stay and get a signature. Thanks.”

Hook. Line. Sinker.

The woman freaked out. TWO HOURS AWAY! She whisked me away and told me I could sneak in the back and watch, but I had to stand. Uh, okay! And I got in! I stood in clear violation of the fire code and watched one of my favorite authors talk to me, I mean everyone. He is almost funnier in person than in his writing. I loved it. And not the best part but I should also mention it was free rendering my whole ATM adventure useless. Fantastic.

Afterwards I stood in the never ending line to get my book signed. Talked to a few other fans and let a kind lady ahead of me. Then I got up to him and tried my very best not the fan girl squee all over him and turn into a puddle of goo. I had it all worked out in my head. I was going to tell him that he was a goof for spelling Abbey without the E and give him a run down on all the variations of the name Abbey. (God help me, I should never meet George Lucas. Can we say restraining order?) But I just mumbled a hello, gave him my book, got a picture and scurried to my car.

I just sat in my car bouncing and trying to find a way home without my phone. Not an easy task because I am directionally challenged. Spoiler alert: I made it home okay.

It was just supposed to be a there and back again journey (Star Wars AND Lord of the Rings? Randal Graves just died a little inside.) (And boom goes the Kevin Smith dynamite.) (Next blog: How to regain readership after nerding out all over the place.) But it turned into a cluster of doom and stress. Nothing is ever simple. Seriously, is anything ever easy? Hoppie keeps telling me that these little adventure are what life are but I think my ulcers disagree.

Don’t get me wrong, I had an awesome time. I am not bummed out about it because these things happen to me all the time. I get lost, scared, confused and bursting into tears on my way to work. There has to be a medication for this kind of thing.