It's Just Abbey

Remember yesterday I mentioned I was going to get dressed up and hang out around moronic, drunk college kids? I couldn’t have been more correct in that statement. Gather ‘round the fire, children, and I shall tell you a story. I apologize in advance if this is a garbled mess.

First, let me give you some background info. A few years ago after Phedre turned 21 we went to Chicago for St Patrick’s Day shenanigans. By the end of the night I was feeling miserable due to my stomach of doom and my lack of knowledge to control it. I was sick and in pain. We ended up in a bar and I was perched on a chair with my head in my hands hoping to die. Beside us two young men started a scuffle and began to throw each other around. This disrupted my dying process and I was not pleased. I pulled out of my catatonic state, leapt of my chair, threw the two apart and then crawled back to my position in the chair. Leave me to die in peace! Jeez.

I hate meatheads and I really hate drunken meatheads. They are always ruining a good time. I just want to give them all atomic wedgies and fly them up a flag pole. Why? Because they need knocked down a level and they were probably torturing poor nerds in high school. Abbey does not approve.

Fast forward to last night. Okay, I get pretty pumped at the prospect of dressing up. Usually I rock green suspenders, a green wig, boots and a green tie. I don’t get too much attention other than a few curious looks. Last night I tossed that all out a window and put on a little green halter dress, curled my hair and put on some 4-inch green shoes. I won’t lie, I looked damn good.

I went up to my old college town, Hoppie in tow with my good friend, Link, and her fiancé, Pins. We hit a bar, chit chatted and then moved down the street. On our way there I pointed to the bar across the street and mentioned I wanted to go there after because I wanted to see the inside. It is an old theater they gutted out and put a bar in. Only story I have ever heard about said bar is that a girl once lobbed a shot glass at another girl, resulting in the need for plastic surgery. I should have seen this as an omen. Where was the opera guy singing, “MIIIIIISTAAAAAKE!”

So we go to our second establishment and sat down at the bar. A few green beers and car bombs later we got into a random discussion about how Hoppie and I should really have been beaten up more in our lifetimes. It is a running bit between Hoppie and I that if we would have been in more fist fights we wouldn’t be such snarky jerks. This concept was completely lost on Pins. He didn’t get it, nor did he see the humor in it. The entire time this convo is going on Link and Hoppie were glancing over my shoulder. I didn’t really notice so I just kept on drinking and having a good time. After a while Link texts me, “The guy behind you keeps staring at the back of your head.”

I suddenly became very upright and alert. I didn’t want to turn around so I just whispered, “WHY?!” Everyone shrugged. After that the staring dude and his bro walked away. I was all excited because this had been happening for a while before they told me. I was creeped but also just slap happy. I kept looking around the bar glaring because I didn’t know who it was.

MIIIIIISTAAAAAKE!

In hind sight, I think I caused a lot of our issues due to my absent minded fun having. I honestly was having too much fun to care and never in my wildest dream did I think I was either pretty enough to start something over, or my goofy stares would fire up some meathead with too much tequila in him.

But here is where it gets confusing. I was being the idiot and poking a big drunk bear while Hoppie and Link were laughing their asses off. Pins just sat quietly, not bothering anyone. Up comes the staring guy’s biffle and he shoves at Pins. “YOU GOT A PROBLEM?!” Why the hell, out of the four of us did he pick Pins to rumble with? Link was having none of it and told him sternly to move along. He did after calling Pins a few names and sizing up a silent Hoppie. The rest of our stay there Staring Guy and Drunk Fighty Guy just glared at us. We decided to leave.

MIIIIIISTAAAAAKE!

As we are leaving I am laughing with Link about the insanity of the situation. I see the two men leave the bar with us. We were across the street and I waved at them like the class act that I am. What was I thinking you ask? I wasn’t. I was not phased by the scuffle and didn’t think any of us were worth even bothering. There were tons of other people and girls way prettier than me to be staring at.

We bounce into the bar all the while Pins is all worried that shit is about to go down. I keep telling him that we were fine. If anything happened I would handle it. Hoppie just kind of laugh mostly because he knew it was true. I am a pretty hands-on friend. I may have been in a good mood but I had enough Irish alcohol in me I was feeling feisty. Out of nowhere Drunk Fighty Guy showed up and shoved Pins from behind.

Time out! Look men, let’s be serious here. You wanna fight even I know it is bad form to push a dude who isn’t looking. Also, going for the least threatening guy is a classless move. Pins is a thin little man while Hoppie stands 6’3 and his jacket made him look huge. Also he was wearing shirt with a rainbow on it that said RECRUITER. I have a feeling that Drunk Fighty Guy knew Hoppie would lay him out (you know, since he was the one hovering around me not Pins.) Sad to say that yes, Pins was the least threatening out of the two men there, therefore he was the one to get picked on. Plus if Hoppie would have hurt him in that shirt he would have to tell his bros he was beaten up by a gay guy. A meathead faux pas! I can say I don’t think Fighty Guy anticipated the reaction.

Time in. So Pins gets shoved from behind. PARTY FOUL! No one screws with my friends. My blood boiled and before anyone could react I was shoving Drunk Fighty Guy out the door. Two hands, wild shoves back and telling him if he was going to fight to fight the one who caused it. It came out more like a regular bar fight chatter though. I don’t even remember what I was yelling but I was furious. The whole time I was shoving him out of the bar his buddy, Creepy Staring Guy had his arms between us telling me, ME to chill out. They stalk us to a bar, sucker shove my friend and I am the crazy one? Hells no. Fighty Guy had his hands in the air as if to say “Hand check, hand check! I have laid no hand on this woman!” Classy dude, you won’t hit a woman but you have no issue picking on people and fighting dirty. Charming, really. Maybe he was just more alarmed that a girl in a dress and pumps could shove him as hard as I did. I don’t look a pound over 90lbs to most people. It must have bothered him. Suck on that jackass.

I almost had him out the door before security showed up. They threw them out and we got to stay after I explained they were stalking us and we moved bars to avoid them. We stayed for a few drinks the whole time those two morons were waiting across the street for us to leave. It was 1:40am so I didn’t think 20 minutes would keep them from waiting. Link was amused and called me a crazy little Chihuahua. Small, looks harmless, but has a bite. Pins was not happy about any of it and why would he be?

When we finally left Pins and Link went one way and Hoppie and I went the other way. Our way got us to pass by the two drunk idiots. They were looking wildly for Pins and not pleased they didn’t see where he went. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. They let us pass right by, sure the cops on every corner probably had something to do with it but come on. I still don’t know what the damn deal even was. Why did they target Pins? Honestly it confuses me to no end. Even after all that they were still gunning for him. Again, Hoppie never said two words but his looming presence scared them shitless. He didn’t even need to take his hands out of his pockets. Which, I am glad, because had he gotten involved we would have been arrested or something. Two men fighting is a big no-no. A girl fighting a guy could mean a number of things, but mostly that the guy is a moron.

So listen up internets. I don’t wanna see anymore bar fights. Stop starting them and if my actions proved anything, don’t taunt people who might start them. Apparently it ticks them off. I can’t say I am super proud of this story but I still don’t even know what the issue was. Guy stared at me, we noticed. DING DING! ROUND ONE!

All in all, I vote it was one of my better St Patrick’s Days!

PS Yes, I am a YouTube freak. No, I am not apologizing.