It's Just Abbey

I was going for a Monday – Friday blog week but a dead internet and passing on the couch like a drunk teenager kept that from happening. Whoops. Also I have decided to start laying out a little Abbey backstory. I’m declaring Friday to be BFFridays! The day I will gush and explain all my strange friends (helping seal the deal of my book deal ::ahem::)

Our first installment of BFFridays is of one of my oldest friends. I will give you the history of his code name first. I texted him asking him who his hero was in the journalism world was. I was hoping that he would respond Bob Woodward, Walter Cronkite, or Wolf Blitzer. Then I could tell you all about my biffle Blitzer and how he is a badass. But no kids, this was the text I got back:

“My journalism hero is CNN’s Campbell Brown, for having a baby less than a year ago and losing the weight fast enough to resume becoming my favorite JILF.”

So I am calling him Brown for now because Campbell, well, I’m calling him Brown. (Sorry Brown, I bet you thought I would go with Crusher but no such luck. Mawhahaha. Big Dawg is a cruel blogger friend.)

Brown and I met our senior year in high school when he moved from Pennsylvania. He was an alto sax. I was a tenor sax. Our friendship was unthinkable. But then I accompanied him to the auditions for the Junior/Senior play. Somewhere between there and our mutual hatred of Somerset Maugham we became best friends. And to understand why we are friends I will reference two key conversations.

1) Setting is in the car on our way to Meijer to get Ninja Turtle action figures after the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie came out.

Me: I was really disappointed with that film honestly.
Brown: What were you expecting?
Me: I dunno, something a little better.
Brown: Like what? The thrilling combination of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Philadelphia?
Me: Mr. Turtle will you please remove your shell.

If you didn’t understand that joke, that is why you aren’t as awesome as Brown. Because he didn’t skip a beat and laughed his ass off.

2) Setting wandering around a bit buzzed in a college graveyard in custom shirts that read “Never gonna give you up” and “It’s the final countdown.” (The dialogue doesn’t matter at this point does it?)

Me: I can’t wait for some sucker to marry me so I can have my Legend of Zelda themed wedding.
Brown: Yeah, my Star Fox wedding will be awesome too.
Me: Oh no! What if people get confused about what Zelda I mean? What if people show up drunk in flapper dress with novels no one wants to read!
Brown: I’m pretty sure no one will think you are throwing a 1920’s Zelda Fitzgerald wedding.
Me: But seriously how cool would that be?

Brown and I have had countless adventures. Like on his 21st we walked 2 miles to get him a free Flaming Dr Pepper shot then a three mile trek to his apartment. We don’t believe in designated drivers and really appreciate a good work out.

He is a mover. Born in Cali, relocated to Pennsylvania then doomed to Ohio. Then he spent a crazy summer in Washington DC, moved to Illinois, and he is now he is in the great state of Texas as a hot shot reporter for a local paper but we are still going strong. Here is the Campbell Brown fact sheet.

Occupation: Reporter and heartbreaker
Hobbies: Reading, rocking awesome glasses, improv classes, making fun of my ex boyfriends, and writing the next big sitcom.
Location: TEXAS! YEAH TEXAS! HE LIKES BELT BUCKLES THE SIZE OF HIS FACE!
Favorite TV shows: Futurama, Arrested Development, It’s Always Sunny in Philedelphia.
Favorite drink: Appletinis (“I took Appletini mix to the reporter party. Abbey, things got a little crazy.”)
Car: VW Jetta names Candide.
Favorite thing ever: Giant crosses of doom
Proudest moment in life: A tie between his first published article and the time the guy at the gas station mistook us for athletes.

So here is a post in honor of my best pal Brown. He will be my partner in crime in April as I try to conquer Script Frenzy (like NaNoWriMo but with a script) and he will always be the first one I call if something from my hilarious past creeps up or if the Onion has something classic. I'm sure he is proud as hell to be the first entry in BFFridays.

Sadly though, Brown’s boyhood dog Patches passed this week. Everyone send him your happy vibes this weekend.

If you haven’t already BE MY FAN on Facebook, or I will cut you! I wanna get stickers or pins and they will be freeeee to any and all fans. See, incentive? It’s just how I roll. Have a wonderful weekend folks!