It's Just Abbey

I am so glad I don’t have a child. I would be a terrible mom. I’m not rich enough to provide the therapy to my kid that he/she will probably need.

Let’s talk about Patrick.

As you saw from my last Patrick post, he was bearing beautiful strawberries but they were eaten by birds. I knew I should have gotten a net to put over him to protect him from the birds but NOOOO I’m too lazy/cheap to provide my baby with proper defenses before kicking him into the real world.

He was unprotected and alone. Bullied by giant birds who laughed at his pain. CRUEL BASTARDS!

Then I had to leave. Vacation and wedding in New Jersey. It was just a weekend away. That’s all, nothing serious. Why should I worry? Why should I freak out?

That was the first weekend it was 90 degrees and humid as all hell. All Hoppie had to do was water him or so we thought. Before I headed home I texted Hoppie asking him how Patrick was doing. The response?

“Uh, he’s looking a little droopy.”

PANIC! I hit the gas and hurried home. What was the lesson learned about this weekend away? Patrick does not need 100% sunlight. He was scorched. His leaves were all dry and curly. I pulled him into the shade and ran to the store to get him plant food.

That’s right. I’m that mom. Yes baby, I know I forgot you at soccer practice for 7 hours but don’t worry champ, we are getting ice cream!

So for the rest of the month I tried to baby the hell out of him. Plant food, nice water, equal parts shade and sun. He wasn’t happy with me but he flourished. His leaves perked up and his vines grew nice and thick. There was only one problem, no strawberries.

He wouldn’t bear any fruit. No matter how much I nurtured him, he wouldn’t cooperate. He became my little goth kid who wouldn’t talk to me. He was fine and in good spirits but just ignored me. But who am I to judge him, the eyeliner doesn’t look terrible. Do what you want Patrick, just TALK TO ME!

Then for the 4th of July Hoppie and I went on a road trip to Oklahoma and Texas for a week. We had people to watch the house, the garden and make sure no one robs our stuff.

We left in high hopes that all would be well. Four days into the trip, on our way to Texas I started to freak out. I had the feeling no one had tended to Patrick. Was he okay? Is he dying? Did he run away? Did the babysitter smoke too much weed and Patrick was playing too close to the pool? We made a few calls and it became devastatingly clear that no one had looked after him. LEFT AT SOCCER PRACTICE AGAIN!

I texted my mom to handle him on her lunch. I got this picture back with the response, "I'm sure he'll perk up..."

I’m not sure how to explain to you my reaction. I was on the highway in Texas to visit my little brother who I hadn’t seen in months and I was tearing up about a plant.

We got home after a long trip cross-country and I ran up the steps to see Patrick looking displeased but alright. I ran inside and grabbed the plant food. It is a spray bottle. Well, screw that! I pulled off the top and dumped it into the soil. I’ll never leave you again Patrick! I am so sorry! Mommy will never let anyone hurt you again! I’m looking at you birds and sun! Leave Patrick ALONE!

Worry not everyone, he is looking fabulous now. See?

But still no strawberries. He is still on strike. He is my little rebellious teenager. I hope he grows out of this phase and somehow realizes how hard it is to be a mom. We make mistakes, honey!

Don’t worry guys, I scheduled him for therapy starting Monday.