It's Just Abbey

Pardon me while I rant without proof reading.

We all have a Facebook account, yes? Yes. Don’t have one, get one. What are you a social reject? And don’t tell me you have a MySpace. MySpace is dead and the sooner everyone realizes that the better.

Anyway, Facebook is something almost everyone has. It is away to keep connected with everyone from your roommate, your significant other, your college drinking buddy to even that one girl you kinda remember from middle school. But it is also the home of some very annoying habits. Many of which bother me daily.

“Like what?” you ask timidly, afraid I may strike.

“Well,” I say casually sharpening my machete, “let me tell you about my 5 biggest Facebook annoyances.”

1. Inviting me to join your “Millions of People Against the New Layout!”
   There are no words to express my hatred of this one. Why? The site is free you jackasses. They can do whatever the hell they want, when they want, and how they want. Just because they can. Don’t get me wrong, Facebook changes layouts like a middle of the road teenager trying to find a clique. They can’t seem to find a look they like and stick with it. One week goth, one week prep, one week drama geek. It can be tiresome but there are two very important things to remember here. One, no matter how many of your peeps join your little group they aren’t going to change back. Two, it is free. If you don’t like it, leave. But you won’t leave will you? No. No one ever does. You just can’t quit Facebook.

2. “I am going to work, then the gym, then calling my mom, then getting gas, then shopping for fat free yogurt, then dinner with my bff then PARTY!”
   WOW! Look at all the inane things you are going to do today. We are all so impressed by your day to day schedule. Thank you for sharing it with us. Arg! Why are you mapping out your entire day for your 300+ friends? Do they care? I know I sure as hell don’t. That example could be simply stated like this: “Party tonight! WOO!” These blanket all day status updates annoy me to no end just because I am gonna bet that you forget to get your yogurt. Then what? Then you have lied to everyone and I know for a fact you won’t update, “Forgot yogurt. Maybe tomorrow.” And you know why? Because that is a boring update and you know it! No one likes boring updates. And you know what everyone really hates? Super long, boring updates.

3. The “Like This” fiend.
   I haven’t talked to you in years but you have liked every one of my updates, links and comments since I accepted you as a friend. We get it. You like when people say stuff.

4. “On the couch with my hubbie!”
   You’re married. We gotchya. You have been married for a while actually. Not only are you married but you are doing boring married things. Stop constantly updating everyone about how awesome your husband is, or when he does stuff, or when he says stuff. It gets tired. He’s not that great. You married him and you are going to spend your life with him. The sooner you realize that he is still just your old boyfriend with an upgrade the better off we’ll all be. Stay married for 5 years then we’ll talk. Because if you guys are boring now, woooo it is going to be a long road ahead. “Sitting in the kitchen avoiding my hubbie.” Or “Making my hubbie sleep on the couch because I found his secret cigarettes.” If you insist on tell us everything, it will eventually end up there. But this also includes any long term or serious relationships. Once you are passed the getting-to-know-you crap and the honeymoon period, no one wants to hear about your Netflix queue or how you are teaming up to clean the disposal. Boring and boring/gross. Find a dead hamster in there? Let us know!

(Also, why is it always “Hubbie?” Um, helllooooo! They have names, ladies. Don’t be demeaning. Or maybe I don’t understand the finer points of marriage which is entirely possible.)

This does not include people who do awesome stuff when they get married. You two get hitched and decide to fight crime as Lady Prenup and Monogamous Man I am on board for all that exciting news. This complaint also excludes babies. I don’t want to hear about your hubbie but if you made a little person between the two of you, you have every right to be proud. If anyone tells you to shut up, strike them. Here, borrow my machete.

5. “I HATE FAKE ASS BITCHES!!!!11!!1!”
   We all hate fake ass bitches. Who doesn’t hate fake ass bitches? But you know what? This isn’t MySpace. Didn’t we already cover this? Facebook is no place to stir up your shit. Got it? Answer these questions:

      a) Are you under the age of 17?

      b) Is Twitter currently out of service for any reason?

      c) Is this the first time you realized your hatred for fake ass bitches?

      d) Did this involve boyfriend/girlfriend stealing?

      e) Are you drunk?

If you answered YES to every single question, your declaration of hatred may be allowed and praised. If you answered NO to ANY of those, you are just being a drama queen/king so kindly STFU.

This rule also includes listing, “I hate drama” in your About Me category. Might as well add in that you enjoy eating regularly and breathing. Plus when you state you hate drama, you make it pretty clear to everyone you are surrounded by drama constantly and complain about it. A lot.

So there you have it. I have a bias towards boring people and their boring lives. I am all for emo song lyrics, ALL CAPS SPORTS TEAM SHOUTING, telling people your bra color, random Scrubs quotes, whatever. Just stop flooding my feed with lame and tired statements! RAWR!