It's Just Abbey

There are so many important rules to follow when you are at work.

- Never say “That's not my job.”
- Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Everyone is so concerned about office politics and drama that no one ever stops to think about basic etiquette. Opening doors for coworkers even if you don't know them, not reading over someones shoulder, etc. But there is one place that seems to need a set of rules lid out plain and simple.

How to use the microwave.

It should be such a simple concept but it has become more and more apparent that when people approach the office microwave their brain shuts down and they are rendered stupid and senseless. Now, that could be the radioactive aura of the microwave but more than likely people are just unaware of how to act while cooking their food. So I laid out a few guidelines for you to follow.

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Don't abandon your food
First of all it is just dumb to leave something you are about to consume unwatched and vulnerable to office politics or Crazy Carl. No one wants to come back to 5 pizza rolls when you put in 12. That just makes for a bad day.

Everyone is busy but you should be able to spare time to sit with your food for a few minutes. If you are bringing food that takes up to ten minutes to microwave you need to learn to shop better anyway. If you are cooking leftovers you really need to watch your meal. Leftovers are temperamental and unless you are a nuclear physicist, you don't know how to properly heat homemade food properly. You have a 50/50 shot of ending up with burnt food that is ice cold in the middle.

And yes, it says to let your food sit for 2 minutes before eating. It can sit on your desk and not in the microwave. Laundry rules apply. If I go to use it and there is food just sitting in it, cooked or otherwise, I will take it out and cook my own food. Thems the rules of the jungle.

Read the directions. And do so before staking out the microwave.
This one is important for several reasons. No one likes using something that is covered in spaghetti sauce. If the directions say to cook your meal for one minute and 45 seconds put it in for one minute and 45 seconds. Don't just hit the 2 minute button and be done with it. In the land of microwaves a lot can happen in 15 seconds. Like explosions and tiny fires.

Also no one likes sitting behind the guy that is reading the directions while he bogarts the machine. If you have to stop and read what it says for a long enough period of time your meal is already going to take along time to cook. Just know what you are doing and don't work around things. Its not polite, you are just causing more problems. Most people sitting and reading the directions with intensity are the ones wondering if they can get away without venting the seal, stirring at the 1 minute mark, or adding more water. You are doing no one any favors by cutting corners because it just ends with you being there longer when you fuck it up.

When you ignore the first two rules and your food explodes, clean it up.
Food blows up. It happens. I won't deny that. But when it does, after you finish being pissed about it or being awed by the amazing splatter pattern get the paper towels and clean it up. Your office may have janitors or a cleaning crew but chances are, they aren't going to be there to clean up your mess before the next person goes to cook lunch. Be a big kid and do your own dirty work.

When you pull your food early and there is still 37 seconds left, clear the timer.
Okay, its just annoying if you don't. No real need to elaborate.

If you burn popcorn you are free game for interoffice violence.
Have you ever smelled burnt popcorn? Its rancid and it sticks around. For a long time. If you burn your popcorn you might as well strap a Kick Me sign to your back and wait for your punishment. Mistakes happen, but this is a sin of the highest magnitude.

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In conclusion, don't be an idiot. I think my blog is developing a theme based on my intolerance of idiocy. Neat. Print out these rules and start sending it around the office. Step one to a happy workplace is everyone working in a cohesive manner. Step two is having posters with kitties on them.