It's Just Abbey

I'll be upfront and say I enjoyed the hell out of Watchmen. It was three hours of awesome. But the last thing the web needs is another nerd babbling about the glory that is Watchmen.

This is a public service announcement. A simple message: Think before you speak.

I understand people not loving this movie. Why? Because I come from an area of the US that Varsity Blues was based on. Farming and football are the cornerstones. The quarterbacks mother is not a grain fed country gal though. No. She is a Gucci toting socialite with nothing better to do than throw cocktail parties. Its a complicated region. Sitting in that theater I felt almost uneasy knowing I was surrounded by people looking at the screen in disgust and debating getting a refund. It was much like watching American Pie with your parents. You are enjoying it, but they are uncomfortable as hell. In a conservative town like my own gratuitous boob shots are amazing, but a penis? No. Never. A blue one? Shun. Shun the movie and all who love it. Who knows what that movie was about? Too much penis!

Example: There was one girl on girl moment near the beginning of the film and from behind me I heard, "That's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah!" And that same fellow made a sickened sound at the sight of blue genetalia. Oh, I should also mention this town in mildly convinced homosexuality is something you can catch like the flu or chicken pox. Full frontal male nudity had some people fumbling for their anti bacterial hand sanitizers.

There were also a few moments during that movie that I lost all faith in humanity. The key moment being when a woman behind me exclaimed wildly, "I didn't know Nixon ran for a third term! Fascinating!" Believe me. You can't make this shit up.

Watchmen may not be the movie for you America, but think very hard as to why you don't enjoy it. Too much violence? Too sexual? A little off base and hard to follow? Those are valid arguments because even the biggest fan could argue those points. Was it simply long? Was it 'retarded'? Too much wang and not enough tits? Made no sense and anyone who likes it is clearly a liberal moron? If I hear any more of this I will most likely start punching people in the crotch.

As a clueless meat head said as we were leaving, "It was three hours of absolute shit. Didn't make any sense and was a waste of time and money." We get it. Next time, don't shout that into your phone while you hold the door open for the herd of die hard fans leaving. You sound like a jackass. All movies can't be Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Next time do some research, asshat and you'll avoid silly mistakes like that.