It's Just Abbey

Disclaimer: This post contains a lot of talk about lady parts, sparkly things, and has a not-so safe for work place viewing photo. You've been warned!

Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt has a book coming out. I know, snoozeville right? But did you know she has an entire chapter dedicated to vajazzling? What is vajazzling you ask? It is decorating your lady bits with crystals.

I’m serious.

This has been a hot topic of conversation between Hoppie and I for several days now. It has been a slow weekend. Between that and us trying to wrap our minds around autoerotic asphyxiation we haven’t had much else to discuss. To be fair, we did watch World’s Greatest Dad so the topic didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. But that isn’t worth discussing. BACK TO VAJAZZLING!

Basically J-Love went onto the George Lopez Show and started babbling about decorating her vajayjay with Swarovski Crystals. Oh la la! Then on the Bob and Tom Show they had a live vajazzling and we haven’t been able to shut up about it.

Someone sat down and thought to themselves, “Damn, I sure do wish I could bedazzle my snatch!” What’s weirder is that someone said, “YES. THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.” Then those two nut jobs sat down and kicked a few names around the office.

It’s like bedazzling for your vagina. Bedazzle Your Razzle!
WTF is a Razzle?
I don’t know. Um, Bejewel Your Jewel.
Gross. Plus isn’t that a video game?
Hell if I know! Bedazzle Your Vajazzle!
Wait, what was that last bit?
Vajazzle?
BRILLIANT! SOMEONE CALL JENIFFER!

As far as I can tell it is just something funny a few people do for a laugh or a “confidence booster.” I just can’t get on board. First you have to be able to wax your cootch. That’s a deal breaker for me! Plus, you have them on for a few days. I can barely keep fake fingernails looking nice let alone something I am going to holster into some jeans, let alone run in. Yikes. But I can see how the curiosity can eat at you. Think about it. Really think hard. You kinda want to see it don’t you? You already have another tab open doing a Google image search don’t you? Perv. Don’t waste your time. Not too many ladies are flaunting their crystallized *insert fun vagina name* about yet. Give it time.

Meanwhile, I think the people behind Vajazzling should really start marketing. I’m already on top of this, trust me. I have a tag line already, “Do I Vajazzle you?”

And yes, this is the greatest thing I have ever MSPainted although this makes it seem kind of scary. I’ll keep working.

Think about it guys. Jump on the Twilight bandwagon and appeal to the young teenage girls and the awkwardly old women drooling over Taylor What’s-His-Face. Make your vajayjay sparkle like Edward on a sunny day. You’d have angry mom’s protesting and more media coverage than you can handle! Think about the pay out! Some Ghost Whisperer on a subpar talk show is just not pushing it enough. Go for the big guns while you still can! You’ll have more money than you can shake a disco stick at! Feel free to forward me my share when you guys strike it rich.

You’re welcome.