It's Just Abbey

Let me rant for a moment (Abbey ranting? HOW UNUSUAL!) I am tired of everyone telling me what is bad for me. If I want to eat Chinese food 3 times a day for the entire month that is MY business, not yours. It may kill me but it is my choice.

Almost every time I go to the vending machine at work someone walks by and feels the need to comment. “That stuff is no good for you!” or “That’ll go to your hips!” or “That is nothing but junk!” Thank you everyone but you know what? I don’t care. I am 24 years old and my metabolism hasn’t betrayed my yet. I plan to live it up. Plus I run. A lot. Meaning I need calories to burn. The saturated fats and ridiculously high sodium content are just perks.

End rant.

So this commercial has bothered me for a while...

Why? Because butter rules! I do enjoy I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter but it is not a complete substitute. You wanna know how I know? Before microwave popcorn can prebuttered (which still really sucks, FYI) my mom and I would melt down half a stick of butter and pour it onto our popcorn. What? How do you guys watch Ghost and Grease on a Friday night?

The other day I raided the fridge while making popcorn and found no butter! Correction. I found a lot of really bad 2009 butter because cleaning out your fridge is for squares. I did find some ICBINB! Success! I melted some down and drenched my popcorn.

MIIIIISTAAAKE!

Two words guys: Nass. Tea. It was really gross and greasy. One sore tummy for Abbey for the rest of the evening. Butter rules. It cannot be replaced and I know for sure.

BUTTER + ABBEY BFFS 4LIFE!

Oooh.. and bacon. If butter is my best friend, bacon is my strikingly handsome boyfriend who rides a motorcycle and volunteers at an orphanage full of blind kids.

Bacon is yummy, tasty and wicked fun to cook. What is there to say?! It is way tasty and chock full of awesome. But you know what is terrible? Fake bacon! You know… tofu bacon, that weird stuff you can microwave but don’t need to refrigerate? Blech!

But besides being scrumptious and deadly to cook shirtless, bacon is the only thing worth pairing with EVERY breakfast foods. Eggs? Add bacon. Muffins? Add bacon! Bacon? MORE BACON! Woo!

One day I will have to watch my bacon and butter intake but that day is not today. What was this post about you ask? This post is mostly about wanting to show off this picture. And yes, be prepared for more pictures. Drawing is therapeutic and you will all suffer for it! MAWHAHA!

This picture inspired by this video! Oh! Two videos in one post! Happy Monday!

So yesterday was a nice rainy day inside. I spent the day chill-axing in front of the computer as I tend to do (no matter what the weather is) and I stumbled upon this picture.

Let's take a poll. Who is currently sitting at their computer like that? Hmmm? Wow. No one raised their hands. Awesome. And look at that guy. He looks so uptight and serious. I can tell you what that guy isn't doing and that is trolling 4chan or porn sites. No one can properly troll the web sitting that straight! No one can casually work on homework that was due yesterday in that position either.

Being disgusted with that picture I drew my own.

Two things. First, I don't want to hear it about the desk. I spent WAY too long trying to get the perspective right and finally gave up. Really wish I would have paid more attention in art class. Abstract art! Yes. Okay, second point. Anyone who knows me for real may think this picture resembles someone I may know. To that I say, I have no idea what you are talking about. TA DA!

I was going to add my rules to the picture but this way is easier and doesn't cover up my sheer artistic genius! Here we go:

- Who wears pants at the computer?! No one worth knowing, that's who.

- While you may not be wearing pants, wear a shirt. It gets cold and pants are for squares.

- Slouching is key. Have you ever tried to sit up straight for hours at a time? It is exhausting. Slouching is comfy! Everyone is so concerned about keeping things the same. Sure, we all stood up straight in the 1970s and the ozone used to be solid. Sometimes things just get old! Let this happen. My generation will grow up to be leather faced, botox laden, hunchbacks who aren't 100% sure what a polar bear is. Slouch and be merry!

- Who needs a foot rest? Stretch one leg and keep one bent. Not only does this help your perfect slouching position it is also a great way to keep your muscles working. After an hour switch legs. Who says we aren't active enough?

- While not illustrated, be sure to have all the lights off and let the monitor be your only source of light. That pasty, blueish pale color a real computer geek acquires stems from sitting in darkness and basking in monitor glow.

- Elbows bent at 90 degrees? That will really hurt your shoulders if you are slouched properly. Don't do it.

- Another thing no illustrated is where to keep your work. Who has something that attaches to your monitor? That sounds like a lot of morons putting magnets on their computers and being very confused with the outcome. No. All your work should be scattered and flat on the desk. This was not drawn in because no one would have been able to see the correct posture or anything else in the picture. Clutter is also another great way to keep the mind and body busy. Looking for something? Chances are you have no idea where it is and will spend a while looking for it. Activity. Boom.

So there you have it kids. That is how you sit at a computer. It isn't even something you need to think about because chances are you are already sitting like that. So don't listen to people tell you about sore backs, aching muscles and whatever the hell "ergonomic" means. You can tell those people to stop being such worry warts and just be happy. Yay slouching!

I know you all are wondering, “Abbey, what is going on with Patrick the Strawberry Plant!?” I have been getting THOUSANDS of emails a day asking about him.

Not really, just go with me.

Patrick is flourishing! He has never looked better. My mom was all concerned when she saw his first picture because he looked all thin and gangly but I assured her I would take care of him. I feed him and he has a wonderful little home to thrive in. But we haven't gone without our share of stormy weather. I accidentally left him in the frost once but he pulled through. Everyone was sure I killed him because everyone has a TON of faith in my green thumb abilities but he made it. Why? Well, maybe the frost wasn’t as hard as I thought and maybe Patrick was stronger than he looked in the roots department. You could venture those guesses. I still hold that putting my Spock action figure up next to him for three nights brought him back to life.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER PATRICK!

(If I had a Bones action figure he would have trumped Spock. Although he is a doctor not a botanist. Do botanists work with strawberry plants? Brb, googling! Answer: I dunno I got sidetracked and… Oh! I wanna play more Plants vs. Zombies. Focus Abbey!)

There was only one other sad moment with Patrick: His first batch of flowers. I don’t know what everyone’s experience is with strawberry plants but you are supposed to pluck off the first few flowers your plant produces so it can focus on growing out. This was heart breaking. I woke up to see Patrick had four beautiful flowers blossoming. I was so happy! I danced around and texted a few people. What? I don’t have a lot going on in my super exciting life right now, back off.

Then it dawned on me. I had to kill them. I took a few deep breathes and proceeded to take each flower from Patrick and cast them aside like… like… I don’t even know! It was so traumatic! I was hurting him but it was for his own good, right? ARG! How are people my age parents!? THIS WAS TORTURE!

I just watched him for a few days hoping I hadn’t killed him or made him hate me. I loomed in the corners, letting him be himself and get over the deflowering process. No one likes being deflowered without asking. Ah shit, I am the Big Ben of strawberry plants. Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep for a week.

But that storm passed and Patrick now has five little strawberries growing and two more on the way. He is a very healthy weights and looking better than ever. He is happy and so am I. One day he will birth a luscious, juicy strawberry baby and I am going to EAT IT! Oh. That’s demented. Awesome.

Patrick's first Ultrasound!
(Who has two *green* thumbs and needs a life? THIS GIRL!)

I am having a tough time blogging this month guys. I have started and restarted this blog a thousand times today. Why? Because my brain is goo. I’ve had a lot going on and also a lot on my mind. As the world takes its final steps into spring everyone is freaking out. Chaos reigns supreme as the sun shines happily. We have all come out of our caves and just started running around beating each other with sandwiches.

The other reason I am just so… blah… is because I have been on a steady over dose of sinus medication since March. The weather is my enemy and its only goal is to watch me suffer.

First, there is my sinus issues. If there is one thing in this would that could knock me to my knees and make me grovel for forgiveness, it is my sinuses. Anytime the weather changes five degrees quickly, up or down, I am in hell. I want you to pinch your nose right between your eyes. Now, I want you to squeeze as hard as you can until it feels like you may break it. While you are doing that, go slam your head into a door a few times. When you feel a little dizzy and light headed, then drape a heavy blanket around your whole head and start your day. That may give you some similar feeling to the agony that is a sinus headache.

I hate getting those headaches because once they are there, you can’t get rid of them! They are there to stay. Sure, you can numb them a bit but what’s that really gonna do? If you swing your head too fast to the left or make any contact with light that pain will be back. It won’t be the sharp, tear jerking kind but the hard, constant and dull knocking that makes your hair hurt.

I handle my sinus issues much like I handle my period. I deal with them and move on. You know who wants to hear about my throbbing headache or my aching uterus? No one, that’s who. Plus, if I complained, commented, or reacted noticeably to each pound or cramp it would be all I would talk about! You wouldn’t just get one blog about this, you would get thousands! The website wouldn’t be It’s Just Abbey anymore. It would be It’s Just… OW! Damnit!... What were we talking about? (dot com…)

Another similarity with my sinuses and my period (okay, this isn’t going to get gross and graphic, I swear.) I refuse to miss work for either. First, I work in a very old fashioned, male oriented facility. The kind of place that there may be days without seeing another female. What does that mean? Any bad mood, complaint about pain, or general inconsistency clearly means I am bleeding like a gutted horse. (Did I promise it wasn’t gonna get gross? Whoops!) I will miss work if either issue is accompanied by throwing up or a fever, but general symptoms I will fight through. Just like I refuse to miss work for a hangover. I did it to myself; I will suffer for my actions. I am a noble creature, watch me be miserable!

And back on the throwing up note. So my other issue with the weather change is that I never know how to dress in this time. In the winter it is freezing outside and warm inside. You know how to dress. Summer it is hot as hell outside and cool(er) inside. You know how to dress. Even fall isn’t really a grey area. Jeans, tshirt jacket. You are fine for whatever. But right now, it could be hot outside and hotter inside! It could look nice and warm out but in reality, there is a freeze warning. Some people have their AC cranked too soon and WAY too high and some people still have their heaters on. You never know what you are going to walk into.

Thus leads me to my next issue. Overheating. I do it all the time. It comes par for the course with me. I would rather be too hot than too cold and I dress that way. Plus with my wild mane of hair it is impossible to not be a little Hot Box like I am. I radiate heat and I thrive on it. Well, I thrive until it starts hurting me.

Story time.

It was the Friday before my marathon last year. I wanted to do an easy run on Friday and rest Saturday. Sunday was the big day after all, I wanted to be prepared but loose. So I went out around 11am from my apartment and ran to Hoppie’s house, about a 4 mile jog. What I didn’t know was that Firday was the day the heat wave was setting in. (This was the end of April. The day I ran my marathon it was in the 80s-90s. Yeah.) I didn’t prepare and just ran on over. No big deal right? WRONG!

I got to the house and we were going to go garage sale hunting. I cleaned up and we headed out. After about an hour of me hiding my dizzy spells and trying to keep hydrated I convinced Hoppie I needed food. We went out and I got a chicken Caesar wrap and an iced tea. I chugged the iced tea down. I had about four glasses thinking it would make me feel better. Nope! Started turning green and Hoppie rushed me out. We hopped into his new car (figure out where this is going yet?) and we headed back to my place. Hoppie was instructing me to take a cold bath and then a nap. I wasn’t looking good.

Then the burping started. Now, I have explained to you my issue with burping before. It just happens. I am used to it. So when I was sitting in the passenger seat dying of heat I felt a burp come up. Hey guess what? Not a burp!

I puked all over Hoppie’s dashboard. Not just a little, “oh I am sick” throw up. Oh no, it was a projectile, 40mph, “I NEED A YOUNG PRIEST AND AN OLD PRIEST” kind of vomit. Hoppie slammed on the brakes and I proceeded to ralf up the 14 cups of iced tea and half a chicken Caesar wrap on to the road.

We drove home as I wallowed in self pity, horror and shame (also at least one cup of regurgitated iced tea) all Hoppie could say was, “It is fine. It is just a car, let’s get you home. Also, babe? You should probably chew your food better.”

So there it is internet. This is why I am so frazzled. I am in a frequent state of head pain and trying like hell not to destroy Hoppie’s car again. It is a tough few months but so far so good. Lesson learned though. I check the weather a thousand times before I go out running anymore and just take Advil after I brush my teeth in the morning, just in case. Do I chew my food any better? I’ll let you know the next time my stomach betrays me inside a sports car.

Today was the Docs N Socks 5K in Findlay Ohio. I have been waiting a long time for this race.

Why?

Not because I was really ready to buckle down and crack my personal best again. No, because I got some killer socks for this race. See?

Bam. Those just happened. I can’t tell you how excited I was to find these socks. I had them ordered and in my possession within a week. Then it became the task of waiting to unveil them on the big day. Tricky business.

The day of the race I woke up bright and early and put on my socks. Then I decided getting dressed, eating and packing my things would also be important. So I had some tasty oatmeal and yogurt. My stomach was feeling a little indifferent and I didn’t want to anger it. Success. I also gave my new shoes a pep talk. I have broken them in and I am in love with them but I told them that today was their final judgment. How did they race? I threatened their lively hood and made sure they knew today was a day for serious running. They seemed to understand.

Now I am not sure about the rest of you but around here today it has been windy. Not just kinda windy, I mean, BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, kind of windy. Well, I had to show off my socks so I went with shorts, cold weather be damned. Then just a long sleeve shirt and of course, my Bondi band for my hair the read, "SLOW, it's the new fast!"

The race happily had all the registration things indoors. It made life a lot easier on everyone. Trouble was everyone was just huddled inside waiting on the race to start. I, trying to be smart (I know, right? WHO AM I?!), did a warm up run outside, stretched and prepped outside so I wouldn’t shock myself when the race started. I will say now the entire time I was warming up I was trying to get my Garmin to function. It was overcast and with wind gusts anywhere between 30-50mph. My Garmin was not playing ball today. Then I stuffed my face with jelly beans. In my life as a video game, my health bars would be measured in jelly beans. The mana? Pepsi, but that wasn’t needed today.

I got my Garmin running just before the race thankfully and we were off! We did a lap around the parking lot and then into the streets. I absolutely love running on the streets because all the cars passing us just stare like we were a bunch of lunatics escaping the mental hospital. I didn’t blame them today. Not with what was ahead.

After the first half a mile I was holding a steady 8:30 mile, or so I think. The numbers jumped around so much without me changing pace. That worried me. I did my best to not freak out. See guys? I’m growing!

I dashed along feeling very fresh despite the wind. My calves weren’t acting up so I pushed a little harder. Unfortunately the moment I started to push, BOOM, head wind. Running against the wind is miserable. Not kind of miserable, not sort of miserable, super miserable. Especially in the cold. I just put my head down and cut through as hard as I could. Then we turned again and the wind was at my back. Holy cow, I’m flying, Jack! Then back to the wind coming straight on, then the wind at my back. Rinse repeat with only a few instances of sideways, "I'm gonna knock you over!" wind. Excellent.

Then there was the odd turn around. This is an important part so pay attention. We ran a did one turn, then another, then down a short distance (maybe .1 mile) and then made a hairpin turn around. A short while after that the guy yelling times for the Mile 2 split was approaching. I passed the water station because well, I haven’t learned to drink and run yet. I end up with it all over myself like a 2 year old with pudding. Cold + Water + Wind = Unhappy Abbey. I kept running. I looked at my Garmin as I passed him. 1.85 miles…. What!? No. This was bad. What happened?

I didn’t like this and started freaking out. I freaked out for all of about 20 seconds before I realized I was slowing down in my panic/angry mode. Run woman! RUN! This is no time to freak out and go all Abbey on the situation. If you wait until the end you can stress out but also have a free banana. I carried on.

I came around to the last half mile and turned the corner RIGHT INTO THE WIND. Gah! I pushed as hard as I could and kept my head down. I leaned forward and just kicked it out. Other than the wind blowing my face off, I felt really good. I wasn’t exhausted and my legs still felt strong. I pushed a little harder because I wanted to run my legs out. It was a race after all. What good do you do if you hold back right?! Right.

I buzzed around the final corner, high fived my mom and made my way to the… wait. Where is the finish line? I didn’t see a clock or an actual line but I did see some cones and a few guys milling around. I headed to there. They stopped me, I stopped my Garmin, someone thanked me for staying in order, took the bottom part of my racing bib, and I was done.

25:49.

I can’t tell you how long I stared at those numbers but it felt like forever. Time just stopped and I just read the numbers over and over trying to get it to sink in. I blinked and reality started again, then I brought my eyes to the bottom corner of my Garmin screen.

2.91 miles.

Cue that previous running related meltdown. What, WHAT?! It wasn’t even 3 miles, let alone 3.1!! Nooooo! Today was perfect! I was running so hard and great today! Why GOD WHY?! I was bummed out and just skulked into the waiting area. I showed Hoppie and my mom the distance and they assured me it was just a malfunction of some sort. I really ran a 5K and I did it in awesome time.

That reassurance didn’t click for me for about 2.5 hours. I just sat around brooding for a while. My little sisters really helped though. They had come to cheer me on and also do the kids fun run. They did awesome! Lauren ran her little heart out and Taylor wasn’t far behind. After the race we asked them if they wanted to run again.

Lauren: YEAH! That was fun!
Taylor: No. That wasn’t and fun at all. I don’t like running.

Okay so maybe only one little runner protégé. They did get nifty little bags at the end so maybe if they can correlate running to free swag we will be in business!

Lauren, Taylor and my shoes. All Nike all the time. Just do it? Just did it! Bam.

No prizes for Abbey this round. Not even a door prize but I don’t care. I have resolved that my Garmin just spazzed out and my new PR is (according to the site) 25:51. I can certainly live with that!

Not sure when my next race will be but I am in full on Marathon Training Mode! I’ll update you all on that later but today we will just bask in the awesomeness of DESTROYING my old personal record.

I love my hair. I just want you all to know that. Not all the time. Some mornings I put aside the comb and ties. I just go straight to the chair and whip. I won’t lie; I never wake up and just say, “Ta da!” and it is gorgeous. This ain’t roll outta bed perfect hair. But I have had a pretty great relationship with my hair. We get along most days and that is really what I am looking for in a head of hair these days.

As I grew up my dad threatened people’s lives if they so much as trimmed my hair. I had Rapunzel hair that he would put in braided pigtails that were looped in what we called Dog Ears. I am currently growing my hair out to be able to do that one more time in my life. All hail the reigning queen of nostalgia!

In eighth grade I got a perm. Okay, that wasn’t the greatest time period. Ever wonder if you want a perm? YOU DON’T!

Through high school I had long crazy hippie hair I refused to blow dry most of the time and just showed up to school with it still dripping from the morning shower. Popularity was just out of reach for some reason…

After high school I whacked it all off and donate it to Locks of Love because I am good person. For a while I kept it short and spunky. Then I got bored and grew it out again. In the first few months of dating Hoppie I woke up and wanted it all whacked off again. It was to the small of my back and platinum blonde. I was in the salon within hours to the horror of the stylist. She made sure I wasn’t drunk, high or insane before she even touched it. I went from Avril to Pink in under an hour. She was so concerned I was going to cry or flip out. I was cool as a cucumber. Apparently cutting 13.5 inches of hair just didn't phase me. My crazies ebb and flow in a strange way. I have been growing it out ever since.

End Abbey’s hair history lesson.

Fast forward to this February and I am in Oklahoma. My mom and I were in a Wal Mart and the cashier had adorable hair. So much so that my mom kept pointing and whispering at me. “How do I do that to my hair? I want my bangs to look that! How does she do that?” Hell if I know woman! So in true Abbey fashion I awkwardly blurted out, “I love your hair. How do you make your bangs flip like there? My mom is DYING to know!”

She kinda got freaked out by that and muttered something about using Mane N Tail in her hair to make it thick.

CURIOSITY!

Mane N Tail is horse shampoo to make their, well, mane and tails look pretty. Some horse groomer thought to themselves, “Whelp! Daffodil sure does look majestic! Must be the shampoo!” and went ahead and used it on her/himself. Turns out, it didn’t kill them or cause them to start counting with their foot. This product is tested on animals. Tested on animals all the way to the bank!

I managed to go until this evening without testing it out. I finally cracked and went to the store to buy myself horse shampoo. I really think my hair would look stellar if it looked like a horse tail. I could braid it, brush it, and lift it up when I poo! There is nothing wrong with this plan.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I know what all lengths of hair is like. I know short I know long. You know what I know about long hair? It sure is hard to brush. Take your arm and reach over your shoulder. How long is your bush? You can maybe get between your shoulders. You can’t pull the hair up front. Nope. WAY too heavy! What are you to do? Human range of motion is so limited!

NEVER FEAR! BEHOLD!

I started laughing it this. It probably works great but honestly how hard is combing long hair? “Ergonomic handle makes combing easy on the hand and helps reduce fatigue.” Gee whiz guys, I would come out tonight but I am so tired from combing my hair. Plus I am pretty sure I dislocated my arm.

Yes I bought it and yes I tried it. Awkward! It is so weird to use. You know what it is excellent for? Back scratcher. Oh wow. It just reaches all the right places. I have used actual things made for back scratching and they suck. This comb on a handle is awesome. Now that I think about it I can reach the top of Hoppie’s head! Now I can brush his hair while standing. This comb solves all my problems.

Itchy back? Boyfriend to tall with unruly, curly hair? Well do we have the comb for you!!

So I am ready to get super long, fabulous hair super fast and now I have a comb! I wonder how fast my hair will grow. Hmmm… Oh boy. Here is the part where I wake up and look like Cousin It and will never see sunlight again! NEAT!

Thus concludes another thrilling edition of Abbey’s Anecdotes!

I am taking this blog to say goodbye to two very good friends of mine.

My running shoes.

They went for their last run on Friday and have now been retired. This was not an easy thing for me. Those shoes and I have been through a lot together. While they were not my first pair of running shoes, they were the shoes I have trained the most in and ran a marathon. The left shoe even has a scar from that marathon. My heel wore a large hole on the outside lip of the shoe. Oddly enough that didn’t damage my foot at all. It was like marathon magic!

(Now… Please excuse my dramatic tone. I really love my running shoes.)

These shoes were with my in different states, terrains, seasons and weather. They have seen ice, snow, rain, mud, pavement, grass and sand. They ran some of my best and worst races. These shoes have well over 400 miles on them. Maybe more than 500 because a lot of runs managed not to get recorded.

I knew they needed retired soon but I have been avoiding it because I hate shoe shopping. I also really hate change. Probably the latter more than the former in all honesty. But after last week I realized they needed to be put down.

Last week I was convinced I broke my toe. I was sure of it. I looked up the specific pain and Dr. Internet told me it was most likely Hallux Rigidus. First of all, doesn’t that sound like a Harry Potter spell? HALLUX RIGIDUS! Totally. I spent the week thrusting my foot at things yelling “Expecto Pa-toe-nus!” What? I thought it was funny? Any way it turns out that all my toes were starting to feel the pain and I knew it was the shoes. It was their time.

So I took the weekend off to let my little piggies rest their little heads and today I went shopping. Now, the closest running store is an hour away and I wasn’t feeling that drive. I went to all the sporting goods stores. Nothing. I ended up in Kohl’s as a last resort. In the sporting goods stores I am sure me bouncing around and jogging didn’t look weird. No one seemed to care. In Kohl’s however, I was a freak. I tried on every shoe there trying to find my Cinderella slipper. I had to find at least a temporary shoe to break in and screw around with. There is no way I could race in my old shoes, bless their little laces.

I narrowed the search down to two pairs. I put on one pair and ran up and down the aisles. I put on the others, rinse, repeat. Then when I couldn’t decide I put on one of each shoe and ran around in those. I was really upsetting the ladies trying on Shape Ups. SORRY! It is a small area. I didn’t have a lot of room to be acting like an idiot but I made do damnit!

I finally decided on a pair and skulked out. While I was excited about new shoes I was still sad I had to get rid of my other ones. I had never had a single issue with my old reliable shoes. What about these new ones? Who knows! They could give me blisters, black toes, or any other annoyance! UG! What if these shoes tried to kill me in my sleep? Huh? Ever thought of that? No. They could be the pair of shoes that I trip and break my leg in. So many things to freak out about! And now these new shoes are going to be mingling with my other shoes before I get a chance to know them. I don’t want to judge them unfairly but if they so much as make a face at my Sketchers sneakers, I will kick them to the curb!

I really hate change guys. A lot.

As I was leaving I did spot something that made me think it would all be okay. Adidas athletic sandals. You know the ones with the little… things… in the soles?

I got a pair of them! Why? Were these popular in anyone else’s school? They were the freaking MUST HAVE OMG I AM GOING TO DIE WITHOUT THEM shoes in middle school. I am not sure if I have gotten it across that I am still mentally trying to shut up the weird little kid I used to be. She has a lot of demons and doesn’t seem to want to die. I was certain they didn’t make these anymore but low and behold, there they were. Eighth grade Abbey squealed in delight. Current Abbey rolled her eyes, saw that they were on sale. We bought them. I mean I bought them! Not, we… I!

Now I am not insane. Not completely insane at least. I kind of need them because other flip flops (the kind with that hook between your toes and cost $3 at Walmart) are killing my feet and what I amounted 10% of my throbbing toes to. (To bad I couldn’t blame those bastards on 100% then I wouldn’t have even been out… Change… Grrr…) So, I left with two new pairs of shoes.

What does this whole post amount to? “Waaaah! I don’t wanna give up my shoes! I don’t like these new shoes, I want my old shoes! Waaaah!” Yup. Just me whining about some shoes I am going to end up loving and then sobbing about when I retire them in 400 hundred more miles. Stupid change…

RIP My old shoes. ::sniffle:: This was their first picture!

I just finished a date night with Hoppie and we went to see a movie. What movie? Who cares. What I want to talk about is the movie Letters to Juliet.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ.

For those of you who don’t know what movie I am talking about, here is the preview.

Are we all up to speed? Okay. Let me tell you some of the glaring flaws in this seemingly airtight blockbuster.

First of all, I will never see this movie. Why? Because you know exactly what will happen! No. Seriously. There is no way around it. “Hey! I am going to a strange land away from my significant other who I am already having issues with! Then I am going to go carting around with a brooding, uninterested member of the opposite sex and the realize that he/she is everything I have ever wanted! TRUE LOVE BITCHES!” Can we please stop making these movies? We are running out of “exotic” countries to run away too. And where is the girl venturing to Canada only to find herself in love with a Mountie? Or did Dudley Do-Right ruin it for Canada?

If your mind went straight to Brendan Fraser and NOT Rocky and Bullwinkle you are no longer welcome at my blog. Please get your coat and see yourself out. Thank you.

Second. The next person who calls Romeo and Juliet the greatest love story ever told is getting dragon punched. Hard. It is a tragedy. Plain and simple. Comparing your romance to Romeo and Juliet is a BAD THING. Unless of course you two have a suicide pact then by all means, you kids go nuts. Did everyone fail English class or was I the only one awake during that lecture?

Synopsis: Family A has a kid. Family B has a kid. Both families hate each other. Kid A and B love each other. Their love is forbidden. Kid A fakes her death to get attention. Kid B kills Paris. Kid B kills himself. Kid A realizes that this plan was too Saved by the Bell and kills herself in grief.

The End. There is no secret meaning. There is nothing to see between the lines. This is a sad story. Depressing really. Why did Paris have to die? Can someone please explain that to me? And why does no one else but me feel terrible about the death of Paris? Killing in cold blood isn't worth talking about? I’m getting of track. Okay, look at it this way.

Tony and Mia are in super love with each other but she goes to school in Ohio State and he is a Wolverine. Mia fakes her death for some reason, Tony randomly kills some dude at the funeral in grief then shoots himself in the face. Mia realizes this plan was bogus, mourns Tony then shoots herself in the face, too. Which headline is more likely?

Are we clear internet? Are we clear Taylor Swift? Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy. Plain and simple.

Now I actually researched this whole wall people write letters to Juliet thing because I really thought it was fake. I was wrong and it is very real. Now, I am seeing that people mostly put up love letters and what not. Cool. Whatever. The movie trailer claims it is to ask Juliet some questions. I’m not sure I want to hear her responses. She would be the worst Dear Abby writer ever.

Dear Juliet,
I am concerned my boyfriend doesn’t love me enough. What do I do?
-Confused and Talking to a Wall

Dear Confused,
Fake your death. If he only comes to mourn your death, bounce him. Player isn’t in it for real. If he cannot live in a world without you and attempts to kill himself, he is in love with you. Just make sure you stop him before he kills himself. Fool me once…

The Wiki page had this gem in it: "It is also a tradition to put small love letters on the walls (which is done by the thousands each year), which are however regularly taken down by employees to keep the courtyard clean." Let's all take a moment to soak up that fun amount of reality. Oh yeah! Immortalized love! Whelp, until it gets too cluttered then it is off to the land fill with your special feelings!

I don’t know. Maybe I am just reading it wrong but I still think that everyone dying Reservoir Dogs style at the end is a bad thing. Oh but look. The families stopped their feuding! Well la di freaking da. Where was this haphazard throwing away of grudges when your children were ALIVE? Dumbasses. It is all fun and games until someone mistakes sleeping potion for death…

Put on your reading glasses folks it is time for another exciting edition of…

DUELING BOOKS!

For those of you new to the party, Dueling Books is an event in which I have a faceoff with two books that probably shouldn’t be sparring in the first place (here’s looking at you Fight Club/Percy Jackson post.)

Today’s slap fight will be of fantasy/sci fi proportions. Hold onto your panties fan girls because it is a vampire and werewolf throw down!

In this corner, weighing in with a collective… Okay, we couldn’t get them on the scales without losing a few limbs so let’s just say they weigh a lot. They are furry but they ain’t cuddly. They are deadly and they drool like fat kids near cake. We give you the werewolf pack from Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs! Please do not feed the challenger as you are likely to be eaten yourself. While the main character is not a werewolf, but a shape shifter it is stated many times that she would be dead without werewolves on her side. We will keep this fight even.

Aaaand in this corner looking foxy and acting kinda funny we give you the vampires from Bite Me by Christopher Moore. They are normal, brooding people with annoying sidekick with the best name in the world. They will suck you dry and never call you again. They are awesome.

Now let me precursor this fight by saying I will try to keep my bias out of this. While I love both of these books to death and I am still grappling with which is better, I did meet Christopher Moore. I still haven’t come down from that high yet.

And for ease on me this fight will be limited to one vampire and one werewolf. I tried writing this as a Sharks vs Jets gang war but it did NOT work out. Sorry guys. I = Fail.

Ding ding! Let the games begin!

Which book was more true to classic creatures of the night folklore?
Silver Borne takes the vampires off guard and draw the first blood with a snap to the hamstrings.

While Bite Me was a fun book dancing through comedy and vampires Silver Borne was more serious and took more time into describing werewolves and their tendencies. Patricia Briggs also has the Fae coming in and out of her books which gives it the supernatural edge. Bite Me is all vampires all the time. I mean, there were vampire cats but they were still vampires. Right?

Also, I must add that I want to own a vampire kitty like whoa. A cat that sleeps all day and is up all night? Bananas. Straight up bananas!

Which book had the best love story?
Bite Me heals quickly and makes a mad snap at Silver Borne’s jugular. Silver Borne parries and throws Bite me down the nearest stair well.

This one is a tie because I was getting all girly emotional in both books. Without giving away any spoilers I will say that both were very influenced by the concept of love between supernaturals. Bite Me took a more lighthearted approach but was still very real and serious, which was odd. Even in the midst of insanity and comedy there was still a very realistic approach taken when it came to vampire lovers. Silver Borne laid it on thick. So much so I was freaking out most of the book not sure what was going to happen. And when a sex scene makes me burst into tears, you know it means business.

Which book kept reality in check?
Bite Me stalks up the steps, shakes off the rubble and leaps at Silver Borne. Bite Me then donkey punches Silver Borne in the head.

While Silver Borne is very compelling and deep, Bite Me keeps the time period in mind. The vampires are new and fresh so they think about new and current things. The side kick, Abby, spends her narratives blogging and talking about her home life which, btw totes suxs. Bite Me may shoot itself in the foot by becoming dated very fast but for now, it is very refreshing to read something that sounds like my life and people I know.

Which book had the best cover?
Bite Me hammer fists Silver Borne in the chest. Silver Borne counters with a head butt to Bite Me’s chest that would make a French soccer player wince.

Another tie because I love the art work on both. Plus I got really strange looks from the judgmental sales lady at the book store with both books. NO BODY UNDERSTANDS ME!

Which book was the overall best?
Laying on the ground panting and bleeding both books look to each other with anguish, neither willing to fight another second. After a few seconds of silence a tattooed woman runs in the back door and stakes Bite Me. Then she lights it on fire. Then scatters the ashes. Then goes to get a Big Mac.

Gah. That was a hard choice but it had to be made. Both books are part of a series. Bite Me is book three while Silver Borne is book five. Bite Me gets an honorable nod for being a gut busting riot but when it comes right down to it, Silver Borne gave more of a story. There was comedy, drama, love and awesome sexy times. It had adventure, betrayal and a pretty kick ass fight scene.

Honestly I would suggest that if you are into vampires and werewolves you should read these books. They are wildly different but oh so enjoyable. I read them cover to cover fast because I didn’t want to wait to see what happened next. Both are in a wonderful series but again, if you want a compelling story, Silver Borne is your answer.

Sorry Christopher Moore. I love you man, but I can’t be biased. I am a blogger with integrity! Stay tuned for the next edition of Dueling Books when Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and American Gods face off for a 6 round cage match. And neither of these books hold any meaning to me what so ever so prepare for a much sillier, care-free duel.

As always, this is Abbey saying, “Read a book or I’ll set you on fire.” Tell your friends.

Last night was the final night of cake decorating!

Let me rewind to Tuesday morning at around 3am when I woke up and realized I hadn’t made any butter cream frosting. DAMN! So I reset my alarm for about 30 minutes earlier and went to bed. Now, I wake up early for work as it is so I only went back to sleep for about 2 hours. I got ready and as I was packing my lunch and making myself breakfast I had the mixer on. It was a little frantic making this icing because I wasn’t completely awake and I was more interested in my Captain Crunch.

So I thought, what color should my icing be? Well, Abbey, it is going to be for a basket weave around our cake. Brown. This icing shall be brown! I pulled out the gel coloring and glomped in the color. Not being awake enough I ended up making a mess with this gel. It was all over my hands and kitchen. I cleaned up what I could and then ran out the door for work. It wasn’t until I got to work under the florescent lights that I looked at my hands. They were covered in splotches of brown. Not dark brown, not pale brown but a nice healthy brown like the color of… well… poo. Just what I need. Running around my job looking like I ran out of toilet paper. Although it would be a good angle for getting a raise…

Moving on.

Later that night my mom and I showed up to class and set up our stations. We had two little cakes prepared to be decorated. My mom made them orange cakes so they looked like orange sherbet. They looked tasty. The class was mostly quiet for the first part because we were all silently practicing the basket weave technique. It is a design that goes around the side of the cake to make it look like your cake is a little basket. It is adorable. We worked and worked perfecting the design on wax paper before we moved to our cakes.

THEN BOBBY FLAY RAN IN THE DOOR AND DEMANDED A CAKE DECORATING THROW DOWN WITH OUT TEACHER!

He called her out for her awesome cake baking and decorating skills and claimed he could beat her at her own game! They fired up their grills and the match was on! I have never seen competition so fierce! We all watched in terror as the flames, roses, and icing filled the little room. Who would win!? Butter cream poured shamelessly and then out of now where…

No? Not buying it? Fine.

It was a rather standard last class but we did have a fun. The two new designs we learned were kind of simple but very pretty when executed properly. It was something my mother mastered early and was very happy about.

It was time to work on our final cake. This is a picture of what the final cake should kind of look like. (minus the birds)

First we had to make a basket weave all the way around our little cakes. I don’t know if it was just me but those cakes seemed really small until we started that weaving! You only do about half an inch at a time and each half an inch is very intricate. Frosting, turn, frosting, turn, frosting, turn, repeat for infinity. I am not sure how I managed it but my weave started out with four rows and ended with five. Don’t ask me how but it happened.

My mom worked diligently and made a sweet looking peach basket weave. Despite a few little flaws only she could see, I think she was really happy with the result. We both high fived each other. Cakes that look like baskets? Check!

After we did that we added the flowers we had made last week. First you put a big mound of frosting on your cake. Then you arrange the flowers. This was the trickiest part actually. It was like putting together a puzzle and none of the pieces actually fit together.

After some struggle and many, MANY jokes about our weird colored flowers, we were finished.

My mom's final cake!

Who is digging the John Deere colored roses? I know I am!


My finished cake!

A couple people in the class kept commenting that our colors were always so vibrant and looked like Play Dough. I really hope those were compliments because that’s how I took them. As I have mentioned before, Play Dough is tasty.

So that’s it, gang. Cake decorating classes are over. Nothing more to say. There may be a 301 class but we aren’t sure about it yet. I’ll keep you all posted.

What am I going to do now? I am losing my mommy-Abbey bonding time. I need to cook up a new plan. I have been trying to get her into running but she is very against the idea. I will break her down eventually! Hmmm... Maybe we can start a mother/daughter crime fighting team. Or we could both try out to be Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Oh! That's it. Reality TV, here we come.

But no, back to the Bobby Flay thing. It totally happened. And he lost. Take that Bobby Flay!