It's Just Abbey

In efforts to expand our respective horizons my mother and I signed up for a cake decorating class.

“Just buy the kit!” they said. “It’s all you’ll need!” they said. LIARS! Smell that? Smells like burning pants!

So my mom and I march into my old high school for this class and I tried to find the room. My mom kept saying, “You did go here right?” every time I looked at the room numbers like they were written in hieroglyphics.

We finally stumbled into the correct room and the class began. I will say that looking back I’m not sure what either of us really expected and I can say the same for most of that poor class. I think we all had the same vague idea of how much fun we were going to have without realizing that stat building in real life is nothing like stat building in the Sims. When we learn culinary skills, it takes effort. We were all handed booklets and started oohing and ahhing over the pretty cakes not realizing that most of that stuff we were about to learn how to do. Seriously, I don’t know what we thought we were enrolling in when we signed up but for some reason when our flighty, slightly spazzed out teacher told us we would need be able to make a frosting rose in only three short classes we freaked.

Now, for clarity purposes, THIS is what we will be doing…

OH DEAR CHRIST IN HEAVEN! I’m not sure about the rest of that class but I don’t think I am coordinated enough to write HAPPY BIRTHDAY on a cake let alone design art on one. Again, I have no idea what I thought I was signing up for but I am very excited to actual give it a shot. Plus it will be some awesome bonding time with my mom. Let’s face it. This woman did midnight construction paper runs for me and helped make countless last minute posters in order for me to even graduate from the same school we were both sitting in. The least I can do is make a few thousand malformed blobs and pretend they are roses. But the rose thing is my only concern. Between the two of us we just ooze creative genius. (Ain’t that right Steady Eddy? Yeah, I remembered. HI MOM!) We are both going to clean house during the stars lesson and making 3D clowns.

The syllabus said: “Clown Head Provided” This may not be the most demented thing I have ever read on a syllabus (First prize goes to: “Read The Agony and the Ecstasy”) but it is in the top 5.

The part that seemed to irk the whole class was that we were going to need to make our own frosting, make cakes to decorate and so forth. Not shocking once you think about the class itself but that is usually something they tell you up front, you know? They said all we needed was the kit. I probably would have still signed up for it had it said, “Also requires some at home baking” but a few of the people in the class seemed completely blindsided, afraid and I am pretty sure there will be one less woman there next week. She looked piiiiissed.

Our assignment for next week is to bring in a character cake. Basically, anything that isn’t round or square. Thank you mom for mentioning erotic cakes because now I am wondering where I can find a boob shaped pan. Well, I guess it would need to be two boobs since one is just round. Or I can just go to Spencer’s and get a cake pan shaped curiously like male genitalia but I think if I start covering that in red stars it will stop being funny and just look infected. That would be a total buzz kill.

I can’t wait for next week. I love hanging out with my mom and I love making food. This class is going to be a… wait for it… CAKE WALK! Yeah, I said it!

Are any high school garage bands looking for a lead singer or something? I went to a pool hall last night and was subjected to insanely terrible high school garage bands. It dawned on me that I could be a valuable asset to some sad little band.

Why? Because I can write trite and satanic lyrics at the drop of the hat! Witness!

I am the Angel of Death.
You’re the forgotten wasted spawn of love.
Let us forever live in torment.
I give myself to you, my master, my love,
My final sweet release.
HELL FIRE!

Now I know I can’t exactly sing well but I can yell REALLY loud! While I would like to be part of a good rock band with actual musical ability, I’ll take what I can get. I can’t play an instrument but I can fake it pretty well. The first band I saw last night didn’t even have a bass player and their songs were all called “Death Becomes Me” or “We are all Dead” or “Follow me to Hell.” How hard can it be?

Shattered glass severs my soul
Open the gates to hell.
Death becomes me
My eyes are pools of tar.

It’ll be great! Plus I have been working out so I can schlep my own stuff! I watched three emo boys cart in four amps stacked on top of each other. I bet I could have moved them faster one at a time than they did trying to push the giant tower.

Also, I don’t know anything about doing sound checks but clearly neither did they. There was enough microphone feedback and amp blowing than should have been allowed in an hour time. I watched Spinal Tap, I know all about the number 11!

Into the dawn we must escape
You broke my face
I broke your heart
Climb the ladder of discontent
Descend the stairway of love

I have been looking for a second job and I really think being a diluted rock star would really accent my resume well. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for garage bands and rock music but not at the hands of these skinny, emo, white boys who have nothing in the world to complain about. Besides, there is no reason to scream into a microphone that is already cranked all the way up. You are performing in a room barely bigger than two moderately sized apartments. I think that the Mexican restaurant next door has had just enough off tempo bass hits from one evening.

OPEN UP YOUR HEART TO ME
LET ME OPEN UP MY LIVE GRENADE
TICK TICK BOOM BITCH!

I should note I am not willing to tattoo my face. I hope that isn’t a deal breaker.

I didn't want to just throw this into my next post so I will give this it's own special post.

I changed my layout!

Break out the party hats! This is a big step for me and my little blog. I shall move forward with a fresh face! Huzzah! Expect more posts and more ranting brought to you by little ol' me.

About a year ago I decided to rock the blogging world and change it forever.

Whoops.

Anyway! Since I haven’t been revolutionizing the blog-o-sphere I have had some spare time on my hands. I’ve been training up for the spring and summer running racing season. It’s been awesome.

Okay, no it hasn’t. It has sucked hard. I can’t run more than 300 feet without finding yet another wonderful neighbor who refuses to shovel their sidewalks. I brave bounding in the snow only a few times but my constant fear of breaking my legs and being eaten by a stray dog keeps me harnessed to the gym. Treadmills, stationary bikes, weight machines, and elliptical machines.

Oh good God elliptical machines. Who invented these things?! It’s like some guy sat down and said, “Gee, I like running, bikes AND being stationary! What of what can I do to combine all these AWESOME things!” And then we were blessed with Satan’s death machines. I hate them and I would laugh as someone burned a pile of them, blew up the ashes and vacuumed up the remains. Side note: If anyone plans on doing this, I am free all weekend.

The last few weeks I have been putting the elliptical machines into my routine. A girl needs a firm booty, yes? Yes. Besides that, I work 12 hour shifts and running afterwards makes my knees crumble. Biking and elliptical(ling?) helps me keep my joints from crying. I can bike and run all day but as soon as I get on those death machines I just die. My face pours sweat and I am drained of all energy. Getting through 30 minutes alone is AGONY. I can’t read like I can on the bikes and the treadmills are at least close enough to the TV to provide entertainment. But on Elliptical Days it is just me and the machine, fighting in the corner.

And can I also get someone to get onto the adjacent machine that is from this planet? Seriously. I am either next to the inhuman, muscle jock who grunts for 6 minutes and then leaves. OR I get Missy McShortshorts who works her legs into a frenzy and doesn’t even break a fucking sweat! What is up with that? Work up a sweat damnit! At least feign exhaustion. I can’t be that out of shape! …can I?

No, this particular blog doesn’t have a point. I just needed to rant. Today I realized that the machines at my gym turn off at 30 minutes of 300 calories, whichever comes first. Today I made it to the ladder first and had to begrudgingly start the timer again for the last grueling 5 minutes. Gah! I want the summer to roll around so I can just run outside and not have to worry about being social in a climate controlled room.

In an effort to blog more I am going to start doing book reviews of the books I read. They won’t be new books by any means but whatever. No wait, I mean this is all part of my campaign to get people to read more. Books! Books are the answer!

READ A BOOK!

And now, your feature presentation!

I respect the hell out of anyone who can make something out of themselves after being saddled an Ohio based childhood. Gavin Creel, Drew Carey, Jamie Farr, Neil Armstrong, Woody Harrelson and other people that form a confusing, eclectic, and inspiring list.

Not you Ben Roethlisberger. You suck.

Anyway, I just discovered that one of my favorite authors, Christopher Moore, was raised in Toledo, Ohio. Excellent! If he can make it, by God, so can I! Right? Right!

I just finished his book Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.

This book was clearly the product of the thought, “What happened to Jesus between age 1 and 33?” Well apparently he and his best buddy Biff travel the world learning Eastern beliefs. It is almost accurate by ways of the bible but takes some liberties in the historical movement of Buddhism (which the author admits to later.) It chronicles many great moments in Jesus’ life in a very humorous way. It also drops random Christian song lyrics and phrases that always inspire at least a chuckle. Example: Jesus casually tells Biff the he loves the little children. All the children of the world.

Moore drops in back stories about all the notable figures in Jesus’ life such as John the Baptist who has a habit as a child to forcibly dunk people under water to cleanse their sins and Mary Magdalene, Maggie, who isn’t a whore (I’m looking at you Pope Gregory I…) but as a smart cunning woman who battles both sides of unrequited love. He also adds in little things like how rabbits became associated with Easter. It has a lot to do with a drunken Jesus and the soothing fur of a tiny bunny.

The book is insanely funny from start right up until the last 10%. What? You know how the story ends. Jesus gets nailed to a cross. I may be a morbid, twisted soul but I’m not sure how anyone could make a guy being stapled to a tree funny. It is a laugh out loud book with a bushel of Christian mythology. As a theology nut, I was enthralled. I can recommend the book to anyone who loves Jesus, has read the bible, likes good/funny books or just needs something to read. I have a feeling that Lamb could offend some people if they really wanted to be, especially if they think Bartholomew wasn’t the village idiot of Nazareth.

If Jesus ain’t your bag, then I suggest his book Blood Sucking Fiends and You Suck. The next book Bite Me comes out in March. Vampires, kids! VAMPIRES! And if you are reading this Mr. Moore, I would like an advance copy of Bite Me. I will give you a glowing review. I promise!

Rating: 4 out of 5 cupcakes!

Next book (if I’m allowed to talk about it) is Fight Club!

Gamestop Employee: Okay, so you have preordered Dante’s Inferno. Would you like to also reserve God of War 3?

Me: Oh! Yes, please.

GE: Would you also like to preorder Final Fantasy?

Me: Oh God no. I don’t need that hot mess. Thanks.


~*~

This is a confession post. I have an addiction.

I love midnight releases.

I really can’t explain it. If I want something and it has a midnight release, I will freaking be there. I don’t even need to want it 100%. I can be standing strong at 15% want and I will be standing there with all the other fangirls and guys. Example: Breaking Dawn. I was there for the book and you can be damn sure I will be there for the movie. Why? Well, I was honestly interested in the book and the movie… Well, in the case of the movie, I just want to see that hot mess. This, incidentally, is why I was there for the midnight release of the New Moon movie. It is a sickness.

Video games, books, movies, you name it. I will be there. Hot, cold, nice or terrible. There I am. Why am I telling you this? Because I am about to venture out for the midnight release of the Dante’s Inferno game for the PS3.

I don’t really want the game so bad that I have to have it and play it before everyone else. I don’t have to play it before noon on its release day for any reason. I am also pretty sure it will suck hard and be an abomination, but I am curious and I have to possess it.

Guys, there is a blizzard setting in tonight. You know what that means? It means I am putting on my all-weather boots and digging out a thick scarf. Twelve inches of snow will not keep me! Does it make me more hard core (harder core)? No, it really just makes this little adventure a bit sad. But I don’t care! I will be there in the snow and freezing weather waiting for a game I don’t particularly want. It is about to be one hell of a year for midnight releases for me and I just wanted to get that out there.

When the news of the next God of War game broke I went nuts. I was dancing, drooling, dreaming of blood, you know, all the normal stuff. Then the demo came out and I got to see what the game was all about. My mind went numb from the amount of awesome it was fed. I haven’t been able to sit still since!

On the flip side, when there were rumors about Apple’s new tablet I shrugged and I actually sat down and made a sarcastic blog about it. Then when they unveiled it, I made a few small nods and then kept on living.

This should tell you a few things. Mostly that God of War 3 is going to kick ass and no one can do anything to stop it. But it should also tell you that I, along with a good portion of the world, could really care less about the iPad. It just is a yawn in a box. I’m sure it is shiny and wicked fun… for Apple lovers. But for the rest of the world, well, we will be computing on real computers, gaming on real consoles and reading books on our Kindles. Let me present to you the top 5 reasons I don’t care about the iPad.

1) I am not an Apple fangirl

I am no iJustine and I say that not only with a great sound of relief but also as a fact. My life is not about Apple. I am a PC and that’s the way I like it. Sure I may cave and get an iPod Touch or an elitist white laptop, but for now I am fine with my trusty HP laptop and my four year old iPod Nano. The only technology I have ever been exclusive with was Nintendo. As you can see from my first paragraph, I outgrew that exclusive relationship and became a gaming swinger. Also, as a loyal Verizon customer I still roll my eyes when someone says that next year the iPhone will come to Verizon. It has been “next year” for three years. I like Verizon way too much and I am so on the fence about Apple it isn’t even sort of worth it to move to AT&T.

2) It is an “inbetween” tech.

[enter Rick Moranis] Rick shouting with dismay: “Honey, I blew up the iPhone!”

So Steve Jobs it trying to sell me part of a laptop, part of television, part of a smart phone, and part of a Kindle in a giant iPhone casing. Okay, I like my stove, my treadmill and my car but I really don’t want them fused together. Not only would it have horrible gas mileage it just doesn’t make sense. The iPad is just a poor fusion of them all. No USB ports, no Adobe, no multitasking, and no GPS? Oh wait, but don’t worry there’s a compass! Why are they trying to get in on the eBook market? They have gone out of their way to say that there are no silly buttons to press like on the lame, old Kindle. The iPad has a touch screen to simulate reading! Hey Apple, if I wanted to pretend I was reading a book I would read a real book!

3) The name. Dear sweet baby Jesus the name.

Clearly there were no women on the naming committee. iTampon jokes aside, the iPad? Really? It sounds like something designed by Leapster to enhance learning skill for toddlers. How hard is your job, Naming Department? All you have to do is put an ‘i’ in front of real names and call it a day. The iTablet would have sufficed just fine! Hopefully the explosion of jokes on Twitter and throughout the blogging world will get them to change their minds. But this is Apple, so probably not.

4) Touch screen of doom

What is with Apple’s war on buttons? Call me old fashioned but I like buttons. I like working, moving parts. Touch screens make me feel out of control and child like. I am afraid I will anger it by being clumsy with it. I don’t know, I just am not warmed up to the idea yet so a whole “computer” with nothing but a touch screen makes me just roll my eyes and move on. Show me the touch screen technology from Avatar and then we’ll talk.

5) Lack luster gaming platform

This is probably the key reason. To save your eyes and my formatting, imagine this in bold, 72 point font. Sure, it has its little games and it has its kitschy little features but at the end of the day are you going to run home to play games that you could otherwise be playing on your phone? I don’t pretend to be a hardcore gamer, but I am a gaming enthusiast who enjoys a good challenge. I want a story, I want controls and I want fun. I don’t want to play a one dimensional game for the sake of doing it. There is such a slim chance that there will be anything other than strictly iPad games and that is boring. I want choices, and not just the ones that Apple chooses. The iPad is said to be the perfect fusion of my smart phone and my laptop. Can I make calls? No. Can I play World of Warcraft? No. Case closed.

For a company like Apple they are just fighting with themselves. They invented the wheel a thousand times over and are expected to do so over and over again. They cannot expect that these middle ground attempts, especially in this economy, will gain consumer confidence. They are trying to compete with several different mediums and coming up short at every turn. They want to sell us things that we already have and already work better. Even the Apple fans are scratching their heads because why would they buy a giant iPhone that doesn’t make calls? Why would they buy technology they already have? But that is the same question for those of us with laptops, smart phones and eReaders. Apple may have thought they were reinventing the wheel, but they seem to have merely designed a larger wheel and called it a horse.

It is officially been one year since I start running! ::throws confetti::

I have learned a lot about myself during the passed year and I will account it to my new passion with running. I ran 300+ miles in 2009 and I am hoping to double that mileage this year! I probably won't be running any marathons this year, but I do want to get at least one half marathon out of the way.

Goals for 2010:
-- Run a 26:00 (or less!) 5K
-- Run a half marathon
-- Log more than 500 miles this year

Only 3 goals but they are lofty ones. I am sure it will be another wild ride.

I have also started a new novel to commemorate my one year anniversary. They say "Write what you know." Well, I know running so I am working on a lighthearted fiction about running. I just started today and I must say I am excited! If you would have told me last year that running would be my life, I would have laughed at you.

So here is to another great year!

"It is funny because I went last night to just run and my legs weren't tired but my lungs felt like they were going to explode. I need to work on my cardio it seems. Ha ha. No worries. I will get into shape and go kick some serious tush! Watch out world." -Jan 2009

"So I've been busting my hump at the gym. I think it may be the death of me, but hey, I'm seeing that as a positive thing. My body has been in varying states of pain over the last two weeks. If pain is weakness leaving the body, then I'm about to be one helluva bad ass." -Jan 2009

"I keep having this reoccurring nightmare that I show up at the race and have (BUM BUM BUM) forgotten my hair tie. In my dream this is absolutely the end of the world and my mass of blonde hair just hangs there mocking me and my foolish legs. Last night I had a dream that they ran out of water at all the aid stations and were handing out tacos." - April 2009

"Updates are that I am now officially a runner. I finished my marathon." - April 2009

Alright you Grinches and Scrooges, it is that time of the year again and time for craziness to be had by all. In the spirit of the season, here is a list of rules for you all to live through the holidays!

Rule #1: No punching direct blood relatives. No matter how much they deserve it. That crazy dude your aunt married is fair game. As is your bother's annoying girlfriend.

Rule #2: Eat anything you want. Don't annoy people with your dumb fad diet or your "New Years Resolution." If your diet hasn't been successfully in progress for more than three months, no one care and no one wants to hear about it. Eat a piece of pie damn it.

Rule #3: Wear a Santa hat everywhere. It makes people think you are adorable, insane or adorably insane. It is a win no matter how you spin it!

Rule #4: Beware of candy canes. They get pointy. Even though you are reading this you will probably forget and end up with a bleeding mouth. It's a holiday time tradition!

Rule #5: If you don't celebrate the holidays, leave everyone else alone. Yes. Jesus was born in the summer. Christmas leeched onto a pagan holiday. We know. Shut up, put money in the bucket and move on.

Most important rule! Rule #6: Donate. No avoiding eye contact with bell ringers or pretending to be on the phone. It's time to be a decent human being for once in your life. No one cares how much you donate, just give a little. Times are crap right now and someone, somewhere will have a crappy Christmas. You could help change that. Give a toy or clothes, volunteer, give a dollar to whatever charity the girl at the movie box office is babbling about. Do something for someone else selflessly. THAT is what this season is about. Don't wanna get off your bum and do something? Click the giant candy cane. Donate! RAWR!

And not so much a rule, but a side note. If you are going to give a dog/puppy to someone this year, rescue one from a local shelter. Say what you will but I will bet money that a pet shop dog is more likely to go insane than a rescued dog. More on this topic later.

Happy holidays everyone! I hope you all survive the stress and chaos. Oh! I almost forgot!

Rule #7: If you are a terrible driver, can't function on ice/snow/a light mist of rain, stay home. You are giving us all ulcers.

I bet you are all wondering how NaNoWriMo turned out for me this year. Well you must wait no more! I received a congratulatory email from the site a few moments ago and figured I had kept the world waiting long enough. (Unless you follow me on Twitter, in which case, you already know.)

Spoiler alert: I won! Break out the party hats!

I will say that this year was almost a little more difficult than previous years. I am not sure why but it was a bit more, what’s the word… Agonizing. That would be my summary of NaNoWriMo 2009: Hell on earth. This seemed to be the case for many of my writing buddies. While we were all excited and ready to go, somewhere around the 15th we all lost steam. My story this year dealt with a lot of very deep concepts and social commentary so it was hard to write out with the power it deserved every day.

I’ve heard writing a novel compared to many things but I will always connect with the idea that writing a book is like being in a relationship. The beginning is absolute magic, the middle is full of rough patches and rekindled love and the end is a rapid hell fire of emotion and desperate plea to be over. So maybe writing a novel isn’t about being in a GOOD relationship because it is a relationship that is doomed to end at some point but both you and the novel know that going into it.

It was a tough year but I will say I am proudest of this year’s work. It is a book that I poured a lot of soul into and created from scratch. It is something I may actually let people read one day. Shocking, yes. I will be picking it back up in a few weeks to start editing. Maybe after that someone will be allowed to read a few pages.

It is said that inside everyone is a story waiting to get out. I finally got mine on paper and I couldn’t be happier. It was a struggle to get every detail right and make a rough draft that I can call wonderful but I did it.

To my other writers this year, whether you “won” or not I hope it was worth that struggles and joy. Congrats on everything everyone, grab your little green notebooks and I will see you all in 2010!