It's Just Abbey

Today was a glorious day for a race! And by glorious I mean snowing, 28 degrees and gray all over. I signed up for the Delphos “Race Your Ice Off 5K.” I chose this one because it was a 1st annual race and those are always fun to take part in mostly because they always underestimate the turn out but also because they have great swag! Also, it was at 10am. Sleeping in is always a plus in my book.

I got to the race in layers and layers of clothing. I wasn’t sure I would ever be warm. I went out and did a quick warm up around the location in efforts to get my core temperature up. It only kind of worked.

The race started and there was a little speech from the race director. She promised chili and hot chocolate to the finishers. We were all motivated to run much faster. Happy thoughts were only minutes away!

I went into this race on minimal training. I haven’t been able to run nearly as much lately because after work it is dark and I am beginning to hate treadmills more and more with every passing day. Although, I have been lifting and trying to eat better. I use the word trying VERY loosely. My personal best is a flat 28 minute 5K. I wanted to at least attempt to beat it. The last time I tried to chase down my PR I missed it by 22 seconds. All or nothing baby!

We started and we took off like bullets. I looked at my Garmin about half way into the fist mile and saw I was at a 7 minute mile pace. Whoa girl, pull it back a little. I got to excited and my heart was complaining. Perhaps Burger King was a bad breakfast choice. Too late now!

Through mile 2 there was a small boy running by me. He was amusing and kept my mind off the cold because he was using me as his mark. He would sprint forward about 10 feet passed me then walk. After I passed him he would wait about 10 seconds the charge ahead again. He did this for most of the second mile. At mile three I decided to pick up the pace a little more and I lost him.

Towards the end my lack of training was kicking in and I was in that, “Everything sucks and you are going to die trying” mindset. I was cold, I was tired and was really mad I pulled myself out of my nice warm bed for this. Then I remembered chili. Hot chocolate. A nice warm car. I looked at my watch and realized I could add a new PR to that list of objectives. This finish line was just around the corner and my Garmin was barely clicking through 26 minutes. A few people whooshed by me thinking the same thing. I grunted out loud and threw all the energy I had left into my legs. I focused on my breathing and let my legs go rogue. They hauled it around the people who had passed me and I was closing in on a guy in a red cap. As I got closer he started sprinting to the finish and I knew I wouldn’t catch him.

The man by the clock was yelling at him to hurry and cross. Then he yelled, “Don’t let that girl beat you!” As I noticed the clock I just grinned and shouted back, “I heard that!” and zoomed through the finish.

27:18.

There you have it folk, I’m awesome. My body was furious but I was elated. New record!

The weirdest thing about this race was at the end they handed everyone index cards to fill out. Name, age, address, and time. That’s right, I had to tell them what time I finished then go throw it into the right age group bucket. It was like a test of your honor. Did you finish in your actual time or did you race a miraculous sub-20? My honor and silent fear of being jailed over minuscule things made me fill it out correctly. I tried my best to write but I wasn’t functioning correctly yet. My hands were not communicating with my brain and I am surprised my name was legible. I asked Hoppie to fill out the rest because it looked like I was writing with my left foot.

I ended up taking 3rd in my age group but they didn’t award anything for that. I just got free food and a new personal best. Who can really ask for more?

I'm the one in the baby blue shivering to death!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Today I rolled out of bed and quickly searched for some water. You see, yesterday was by birthday! I turned the big two four and, long story short, finally crawled into bed around 2am.

I got up to great the thankful day around 7am and woke all the drifters in my apartment because it was RACE DAY! We were running the Smoke the Turkey 5K in Toledo, Ohio. We weren’t going for the gold or anything. We were just going to take it nice and slow. Having fun (and not vomiting) was the name of the game.

Since I am not sure what my friend’s stances are on me publishing their names on my blog publically, I will give them all nicknames to save trouble and make it easier for it all to be published when I get a book deal. Hint, hint.

Today’s key players were my best friend Phedre, her boyfriend Delta and my boyfriend Hoppie.

Phedre and I were going to be running and I strapped Hoppie with a camera and Delta was in charge of staying awake and alert. I wasn’t too sick or tired from my birthday celebrations, but I can’t say the same for my companions. They were a little green and annoyed by my perky race day mood.

I was the only one registered to actually run. My dearest Phedre was broke as hell and was a race day bandit. Boo and hiss all you want but $25 bucks was a stretch for her and she didn’t steal any food from paying runners. We ran together the whole time in awesome, silly hats. I was a mouse and my bandit was a bear. We got a lot of compliments on those hats even though they made no sense at all.

Anywho, it was a chipped race but I took my Garmin 305 anyway just to see how accurate it was. We started (but didn’t hear a gun….) and we took off. We stayed at a pretty constant 10 minute mile. Not at all race pace for me but it was fun to just run with a friend and have a blast. We ran through a few suburbs and there was a constant crowd. At 1500 people, it may be the largest 5k I have ever raced. There were great spectators and great runners. Everyone was cheering each other on. We were some of the loudest cheerleaders. There was always a smile on our faces and I am pretty sure it was contagious.

Note: To the guy in the Lions hat. When two people are running shoulder to shoulder it is usually considered BAD FORM to burst between us, put your hands on our shoulders, push us apart and spit out, “Excuse me!” You are lucky I was in a good mood.

Towards the end I told Pherde we had .2 miles to go and we rounded the corner chanting, “We got this! Almost there! Push it out!” We came around the final corner and I said, “You see that guy in the orange shirt? We are going to beat him. Go!” And we kicked to the finish. I then noticed that there were three people in front of us with orange shirts. I didn’t care. We sprinted like there was something chasing us. I grabbed my best friends hand and we crossed together like champs.

Mile 1: 9:49.12
Mile 2: 10:36.73
Mile 3: 10:03.49
.1 Mile: 1:19.37

Final time: 31:48
Chip time: 31:46

It was an amazing race and a great first Turkey Trot for me. I am gearing up for my brother to come back from Basic Training. He has challenged me to a 5K when he is home. He is going to smoke me. Must look into speed work… Happy holidays kids! Be thankful and merry!

So I had the most bizarre thought today that was too hard to explain in a tweet so… here I am! Let me give you the dialogue that led into said random thought:

Guy: “I never trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die!! Herp dee derp.”

Me: “Yeah, well I don’t trust anything that would keep its self destruct button at a prime knee kicking location.”

This is something I have never understood. But let me explain one thing to the guys out there. That joke isn’t funny. Not because it is sexist and low brow but because it is factually inaccurate. We don’t ‘bleed’ for seven days, dumbasses.

Moving on.

I have always found it interesting that men have always considered themselves the king of all they see when a swift kick in the balls will take the biggest man down. Not to mention men seem to pride themselves on size and girth. In my mind, if you are packing heavy artillery in your pants, you are just giving me a bigger target to hit.

That’s about when my thoughts made some kind of Evil Knievel leap in motion and I realized…

Men are like the Z-Putties in the Power Rangers.

Hear me out. Z-Putties were created as foot soldiers but their main weakness was a giant ass Z on their chest. One hit and BAM! They were done. Makes sense right? Don't believe me? Watch the following clips and then tell me I'm wrong.

Oh, the good ol' days in television... Keke.

I was going to have a real guy actually getting hit in the crotch but you've all seen America's Funniest Home Videos. The Simpsons work just as well!

And before anyone asks the answer is No. I am not drunk or high. My NaNoWriMo is all about women in empowerment and a matriarchal society. I have men bashing on the brain. I kinda wanna kick someone in the nads just to see what happens. Any volunteers?

So last night I cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner.

All by myself.

This may seem/be insane but hear me out. It was a blast and I learned a lot! Everyone goes on and on about how hard and time consuming cooking this yearly dinner is but I never really understood it. It’s always much easier to show up with an empty plate and have someone hand you food. But I think some people are either just lazy or bitter about the whole experience. Cooking is a wonderful thing in my mind. I cook and bake when I get stressed. I cook and bake when I get bored. I cook and bake when my poor little heart can’t handle one more Big Mac.

That being said Thanksgiving dinner is an all day task. I foolishly had other things planned but those were very quickly cast aside. Sorry running, sorry NaNoWriMo. I had to take the day off.

I started with the broth for my stuffing because it was something that takes some time but once you are done it can just sit and wait until you are ready to use it. Best part of my day? Playing with turkey gizzards. Call me disgusting all you want but who ever packaged my bird gave me two livers. Next time you get a chance, poke a turkey liver. Once you do, it never stops jiggling. Gross? No. Awesome? Yes. I whipped up my broth and moved to getting the bird all ready to bake.

I spend the majority of my time with this 10lbs turkey talking to it. I scolded it when it didn’t thaw as fast as I wanted, I begged it not to give me food poisoning, and I told it that if it fell on the floor I would drop kick it into the parking lot of my apartment complex. I went with the oven bag method of turkey cookin’ so I first lined the bag with onions and celery. Then I shoved the wings under the bird so it looked like it was chillin’ with its hands behind its neck (that is if its neck wasn’t brewing in broth at the time.) Then I put an apple in its chest cavity and proceeded to slather its skin with vegetable oil. Giggity. Then came the task of getting it into the bag. I held the turkey in one hand, the bag open with the other and prayed that all the oil wouldn’t cause the bird to fly out of my hands seeking safety. I told it that it was going in the bag no matter what and I believed in the five second rule. The turkey behaved. I shoved in the meat thermometer and I was all set! Into the oven!

As it was cooking I made candied yams, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing (er, dressing rather) and gravy. Tiny apartments and a kitchen running on all cylinders do not mix. It got almost to 90 degrees in that apartment. I had all the windows open, fans going and a staring contest with the smoke detector. Nothing too exciting happened until I was browning the marshmallows on the yams. Everything else was ready and it was the last thing to do. I put the oven on BROIL and waited. It didn’t take long and as the marshmallows swelled to extreme heights I panicked. I grabbed the worst hot pad in the world and pulled the dish out. This hot pad has holes in it by design. I had been so proud that I hadn’t burnt or cut myself all day. Then I seared my middle finger and almost dropped the dish but I made it to the table and was done.

I will say that it all went very well. The reason I cooked this dinner was because my boyfriend and I will probably never spent a Thanksgiving alone or, at the moment, together. So I wanted to surprise him. I told him I was making dinner as usual for Heroes night but he needed to be over a bit earlier. He didn’t suspect a thing! You know that look all girls want on prom night? She wants to come down the stairs to meet her date and he just looks at her in shock and amazement. That look that says, “I liked you before but I had no idea you were a goddess.” I got that look with a table full of food and a pretty turkey. If a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, I am in. Mawhaha! Ahem…

I also did it because I have never done much more than helping my dad season things and prepare a few items on the day of. I now understand why he never wants anyone in the kitchen. People just get in the way. I enjoyed cooking alone with the radio playing and my face melting off from the steam. I am also pretty sure I broke the fan on my stove. It was not impressed with my cooking escapade.

And in case anyone was wondering, it all tasted fabulous and no one is sick from my food. Always a plus in my book! We ate and were very happy. I would say that everyone should shut their pie holes about Thanksgiving dinner being a hard task and annoying but I can’t. I am a weird little person who thrives in heat and stress. A kitchen full of things that are about to explode is heaven for me. It is something I will recommend to anyone though. It is a pricy little adventure but worth every penny.

Happy Thanksgiving in advance everyone!

(And here is a blurry picture of my finished table. I didn’t have time to take a good one. I was freaking hungry!)

Everyone into the basement! Everyone grab your guns, your women, tinfoil hats, and a bottle of antibacterial lotion! We are all being attacked by our government, yet again! They are trying to kill us! Kill us or track us! Hey look, something written by a person who hasn't suffered a day in their life from anything!


Click on the image to see the entire flyer.

I don't know if someone sat down and typed this up seriously or not. Either way it is the funniest thing I have read in a while. I have my own stance on vaccines and such, but damn guys. Calm down. I live in a Bible thumping region and even this was hard to swallow. If you don't want the vaccine, uh, don't get it? No. That would be too easy.

Also, if you are so high and mighty Anti Vaccine Person, couldn't you find a better way to distribute these than putting them on car in a a parking lot?

Side note: This has given me a great new angle for my NaNoWriMo. Four more days! ::squee::

What did I do this weekend? Well, let me tell you! I raced!

I had been planning a 5K race in Tiffin (10/24/09) for a little while. Then I discovered the Nike 10K Human Race. They were doing a race in Columbus at OSU’s campus at 7:30pm on Friday the night before. What to do? What to do?!

Both. Duh.

Nike 10K Human Race

I loaded my car up and did a road trip down to Columbus. It was raining a lot so packed extra clothes and towels. Those would prove useful. I also randomly picked up a GPS. What can I say? I am a gadget junkie!

I got there safely and quickly. I got a parking spot right between the start and finish line. Around here we call that rock star parking. I went straight to packet pickup and nabbed my shirt. Then I wandered around OSU for the day blending in with the locals. It was kind of rainy but nothing a hoodie couldn’t shield me from. Grabbed some coffee and carbs periodically because I had to stay as energized as possible! Pumpkin spice lattes. ::drool::

Race time came around and I changed into race clothes in my car since I didn’t feel like abandoning my parking spot or hauling a big bag around looking for a bathroom. I had to have the shirt on the outside of my clothing since the shirt itself was the bib number. Debated wearing a hat and ultimately decided my hat was a must have. Go Chiefs? Inhaled some Sports Beans and headed to the start.

There were TONS of people. Everyone in red shirts and really excited! It was intoxicating. Bunch of rowdy college kids just shouting and wooting. And let’s not forget the “O-H!” followed by “I-O!!”

The race started and we were off!

And like it was scripted, the rain just POURED! It came down in sheets as soon as we started. Everyone freaked out and started protecting iPods and headphones. We were expecting rain, but not the Great Flood! But me, I happen to love the rain. I shot my arms out to the sides and looked up into the rain to soak my face. I’m a weirdo like that. It’s moments like that a person lives for. Then, out of nowhere… It wasn’t even 3 minutes and the rain just stopped. It was crazy. Everyone was screaming and puddle splashing. It was chaos for the first kilometer. I ran and ran. Tried hard to find a pace and I did pretty well. I found my center/zen/happy place and just ran.

Hilarious things I heard on the run:

“This is just like the Naked Mile! Except its 6 miles and we are in clothes!”

“WHAT AM I DOING? I GET WINDED WALKING UP STAIRS TO CLASS!”

“O-H!” “Shut up!” (It did get old. Fast.)

I don’t have much exciting news to report honestly. I pushed myself pretty hard and didn’t hurt too bad. I was feeling amazing the whole race. The only thing I found odd was that my Nike+ wasn’t lining up with the mile markers. I wasn’t sure if I should be worried so I just kept running and ignored it. The timer on my iPod worked so that’s all that mattered.

I did try to run through the water stops. Meaning, I didn’t stop running to drink from a cup of water. First lap I did awesome. Second lap… well, I didn’t break stride as I choked on water! Progress!

I came around the corner, and I saw the beginnings of the finish area. And then the voice in my head just shouted, “Uh Abbey, if you haven’t yet, you should probably think about dropping the hammer!”

So I dropped it. Right there.

I came across the finish line and hit STOP. I threw my devil horned hands into the air and whooped. I looked down at my iPod.

54:57.

No, wait, what? I asked the girl who finished near me she had a similar time and a correct reading of a 10K. Mine read 9.2K. Holy crap! I am the fastest person ALIVE! Someone handed me a glowstick necklace and I raced to my phone to call everyone I knew. I was just hoping to finish around 1 hour. I did way better than I intended. Being my first 10K race ever, I will say I am pleased with the outcome. I got into the car and drove home. I had another race in 12 hours. I wore the glow stick around my neck the whole way home. I got a few odd looks on the highway. I got home, showered, and curled into bed. I tell you what, late night races make it hard to sleep.

Heidelberg University Homecoming 5K

I woke up early and was a bit tight but not sore. Ate some oatmeal and out the door I went!

Okay, so this race was a little less intense. Maybe 30 people. Maybe. Lined up in the freezing cold weather and with a scream of a siren we were off! My legs were not too pleased but they carried on. I flew solo without my iPod. It was an experiment. Was my iPod helping or hurting? It was clear last night that it needed recalibrated and there was no way I had time to do it between then and now! I had a harder time finding my pace. A steady baseline kind of helps but no worries, I found a pace. I passed quite a few people which was new to me and made me feel pretty decent. I made sure I was a good sport and didn’t laugh like a crazy person every time I cruised by someone.

I ran and ran looking for mile markers but they didn’t have any. They said that there were but the people that were standing around didn’t specify if they were there to block traffic (which they did a poor job of) or to tell us a new mile. It was bothersome but I carried on. I mean, it’s Tiffin. I wasn’t expecting much.

Our turnaround was though a graveyard. Okay, not gonna lie. That was weird. Running makes me feel so alive. Running through a graveyard… well that was just unsettling. I picked up the pace a bit just to get out of there. I didn’t have the energy to let morbid thoughts plague my run. (Although to secret hope of a zombie invasion did sneak into my brain…) Somewhere around mile 2 my shoe came untied. Rookie mistake! Stopped to tie it and double knotted the other just to be careful. I headed to the finish.

My gas tank was clearly on E. I was running on fumes. The finish line was on a track and I gave it all I had left to make it all the way around. I haven’t run on a track since the 8th grade. Yet another weird feeling. I crossed the finish just in time. My legs wouldn’t go another step. I grabbed some water and waited in the cold with my boyfriend and my dad so get the results. I won a shirt in the raffle and found my time.

28:22.

Not bad for two races in 12 hours. My 5K PR is 28:00 so I got close, but no cigar. Not that I care. I raced a 10K in 54:57! That’s the best feeling in the world!

So I am thinking about a Garmin 305. My Nike+ doesn’t like my inability to keep a steady pace for an entire race. I’ve tried recalibrating it a few times but nothing. It worked out swell when I was starting out but I think it is time to move on to a new tracking system and data management. Another new gadget. Seriously, I need help. Probably the licensed therapist kind!

I feel amazing. I love racing. While I may not do two races back to back again, I love the high and the atmosphere. Big or small, every race is awesome. My legs complained all through Sunday and for some reason my right bicep was killing me. Not sure how I managed that… If I run super hard and I pull an arm muscle, I may be doing something wrong. Ha.

I am trying to talk myself out of running the Toledo Marathon again as a redemption run but my constant progress really makes me want to try again. Maybe I will, but only if I can qualify for Boston. Meaning, I’ll probably race Toledo in, oh, 2015!

I am knee deep in planning and plotting for National Novel Writing Month. This year, in response to a question for the previous post, I will be writing about a world ruled by women. It shall be my feminist manifesto and/or my twisted version of Amazon women meets 1984.

To get ready for this I did one of my favorite things. I got in the car, drove to Staples and bought myself a think, college ruled, emerald green notebook.

Now let me be clear about this. Where many people feel a rush from a new book, an old book, new car smell, starting tiny fires, etc… I get a rush from a new notebook. Two hundred pages of blankness. A fresh silver spiral binding. Perforated edges that will rarely be utilized. All just waiting for ideas.

Notebook shopping was my favorite part of back to school shopping. Screw pens, glue and tissue boxes. I just loved combing the aisles looking at the different choices. College ruled? Composition? Flowers? One subject of five? And of course the yearly thought, “Is Lisa Frank still in business?”

Alright, I don’t care how lame or dorky that sounds but it’s true. I have always been a writer but not always with a computer. I have been scrawling out stories and poetry on notebook paper since middle school. My first novel was an NSync fan fiction written completely in 7th period study hall on notebook paper with gel pens. I wrote short stories in my math notebooks. It was like a compulsion. Anywhere there was blank notebook paper I started writing.

It has been something that stuck with me all these years. I’ve had piles and piles of blank notebooks just lying around and they have been slowly filing up. Finally this year I went out to buy a new one. It is dedicated solely this year’s NaNoWriMo novel and after that (if there is room that is) maybe more. I have already started to fill the pages with my inked ideas. Chicken scratch be damned, it’s absolutely my own twisted for of artwork. One day when I start killing people paying homage to the seven deadly sins, they will find all my notebooks and think I’m completely insane. Seven anyone? No? Okay.

What I am trying to say (and wasting perfectly good writing on a laptop while my notebook sits lonely) is that I love my new green best friend. I just want to tell everyone and I think my boyfriend would prefer if I started telling other people and not just him. So here it is world. I love it! It will soon be filled with outlines, characters, sketches, the smeared remains of plot bunnies and ramblings intertwined with incoherent babbling. Now if you don’t mind, I have a story to plan and carpal tunnel to develop!

Word Count: 474

I refuse to ever pay for therapy. Ever. Don’t get me wrong, I need it. There are so many other things I’ve done that are way better than any doctor. Two to be specific. The first was the marathon I ran in April. Twenty six miles of running in the heat really teaches a person a lot about themselves.

The other is and always will be my yearly attempt at NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo (aka National Novel Writing Month) is an event held every year for the last 11 years where writers sit down and crank out 50,000 words of plot driven madness. That’s 30 days of writing. Roughly 1667 words a day. Those numbers don’t look like much until you get right into it. Nothing ruins Thanksgiving quite like being 3,000 words behind with a horrid case of writers block.

I started doing NaNoWriMo about 6 years ago and last year was the first time I had ever finished. December 1st was a wonderful day because I woke up with a novel under my belt. Of course the last 5 years I had tried doing comedy, horror, fan fiction, etc. Tried them all and failed them all. Why? Different reasons each year. School work, college, marching band, and the self explanatory “Bringing SexyBack from the Dead: An NSync Zombie Love Story.”

Due to all my epic failures and final achievement I have come up with a list of things any good writer needs to survive writing a novel in 30 days.

-Have a Space
Same place every time. You sit there and say, “Self, damnit, we are going to write.” It should be a clean-ish place with all the things you need. Have your energy within reach before you sit down. Coffee, tea, red bull, cocaine, whatever it is needs to be in grabbing distance. Once you sit down and get up, you will just keep getting up. The more you get up, the less exciting your novel gets and the more exciting EVERYTHING else becomes. The lint trap needs cleaned! Have dictionaries, thesauruses, inspiration books, and any other book you will ever need. This is why I say clean-ish because you also should have a notebook and a pencil within reach. Doodling and free writing really help to get through writers block.

And have a comfy chair. You’re back will hurt like hell come December if you don’t.

-Have a Vague Idea of a Plot by Oct 31st
No showing up to wing it. It just doesn’t work after a while. Writers block is hard to get through if you don’t know where you are going.

-Writers Block? Kill Someone or Start a Fire. Or Kill Someone With Fire.
You love all your characters. You really do. But if you are staring at the computer and can’t move them from where they are, kill the bastards. Maybe just one at a time. It really throws your other characters for a loop. Example: “Chloe was sitting on the couch and couldn’t figure out what to do next in her murder mystery. She was clueless. She looked to Kevin for answers. Suddenly there was a loud crack and Kevin’s head exploded. He’d been shot! And then she noticed the house was on fire!” That’s good for at least 3000 words.

-Taking One Day Off is Okay. Taking Three Off is Not.
If you are going to do this you have to commit. I’ve already blocked out how I will write, run and manage to pay attention to my boyfriend throughout November. He needs attention and I need to run. These things just need to happen. But I found a way to make it all happen last year and I will find a way this year. Oh yeah, I also have to go to work. But my point is that you need to sit down almost every day and write. Just do it. Insert Nike swoosh sound.

-Celebrate the Small Victories
Set goals and celebrate them when you get there. Go get a drink after you reach halfway. No one else will understand, but you will. You’ll be proud and having drinks. Buy yourself something nice every 10K. Get a fresh cup of tea every 5K. Be warned: The last two days are heartache so make sure you have relaxation planned and are ready to pat yourself on the back no matter what on December 1st.

When you sit down and get a novel out you will teach yourself a lot. You will learn to set goal, you learn to handle defeat and you learn to persevere. You learn to laugh, cry and have small panic attacks. All of this and more in 30 days. It’s a miracle is what it is. If you have never tried I highly recommend it. It is something you should all try. Whether you can or can’t, you should at least donate. The money goes to a wonderful cause and keeps the spirit of writing and reading alive. And that’s the most important part of this whole adventure.

Word Count: 841

I made a new Sylar and Abbey comic everyone!

(Click Chibi Just Abbey's tummy to see the full comic!)

My comics are too big (read: too full of AWESOME) to fit into my blog formatting. Maybe one day I will change my blog but that day is not today! All my comics are at my DeviantArt page. Shun that site all you want, its where I keep my art.

My comics are few and far between but they amuse me! Comments welcome!

Hey Internet. This was me.

I was just a lonely kid with no real friends. I couldn't keep up with all the hottest styles and fashions. For God's sake look at that hair! Hello? 1980 called and they want there bangs back! I was lost and left to wander the planet never to be noticed by anyone ever again.

But one day I was flipping through the channels on my beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I happened to stop on the channel that changed my life. A commercial ran for the greatest product ever made!

My answers all were in Bumpits! The magic invention that would help me become the trend setting diva that I always wanted to be! With no fuss I could add lift to my hair and people would turn and ask, "Who is that star?" and their friends will reply, "I think she's in a movie with Matt Damon!"

So I got a set of my very own miracle bump makers! I rushed home to try them out. After a few hours of serious struggle and getting the itty bitty Bumpit lost in my hair for a substantial amount of time, I finally got one to stay. And damn I looked popular. I looked hip. By george I looked NOW!

Thank you Bumpits! I can now walk out of my apartment with confidence! I can look at the world and the world will look back and quake because I am now a force to be reckoned with! Who cares that they are impossible to function and should be considered a concealed weapon? Who cares that you can clearly see when them in use? Since acquiring this wonderful invention I have gotten a new job, a new car, I've won the lottery TWICE and I am getting married next Saturday! I couldn't be happier and it is because now I look awesome, therefore I am awesome.

ETA: Check it out! I've been discovered! Thank you Bumpits!